Mom-shaming from the other side. A perspective.

Not going to lie. I get labelled as a mom who usually mom-shames.

If you've never heard of mom-shaming, thank your lucky stars you don't have children. It's the kind of low-down, side comments moms make to other moms regarding parenting decisions. Complete strangers who are mothers have come up to me to offer unsolicited advice from the moment I was visibly pregnant and will (undoubtedly) continue to do so for as long as I am a mother, I am sure.

Anyway, typically when one hears of 'mommy shaming' they think of all the people who live a lifestyle like me- the stay at home, all-natural, Martha Stewart type. And granted, there are many of moms like me who do try to shame other moms who choose a life that's different.

I don't go out of my way to tell ANYONE how they should run their own affairs. I do have strong beliefs, but aside from this blog, you'll never hear me bring them up in any mom's group or with any other friend of mine. It's divisive, I get it. So I shut up.

However- I will speak up that the reverse of this 'mommy shaming' is STILL shaming. It's not okay.

I recently saw a photo of a perfectly cute lunch box someone posted on Pinterest, those bento boxes that some moms (or dads!) make for their kids. If you've never seen a bento box, I'm including a picture of one below. They're really adorable and a great way to make meals fun for finicky eaters.

Cute, am I right?? 

Well, I saw a picture someone posted of a bento box with the caption "To perfect moms- please cut this shit out, love - all normal moms" 

(?!) 

Am I missing something? 

To me, this is insulting and insinuating moms who actually LIKE to do these kinds of things for their children are trying to shame other moms. True, some might. BUT- it's a freaking lunch box and just harmless fun for the child opening it. 

To say it's a clear sign of mommy-shaming is assuming the mom was TRYING to shame you to begin with for packing a simple sandwich. Please. Can we cut this out? 

How is shaming moms who actually enjoy doing these things for their kids, actually NOT mom-shaming. It is, pure and simple. 

I take joy in cooking and cleaning and taking good care of my family. Not because I am a 50's housewife. In fact, feminism gave me a choice to stay home or go to work and I simply chose to stay home. That is simply what I believe is best for me and my family. 

Sharing photos and snarky comments like this simply isn't helping mom-shaming. It's making it worse. 

Do what normal people do and make an anonymous blog to write your secret bitch-fests out ;) and no one shall be the wiser. 

The picture of clearly not-me

I've used various pictures of Princess Di over the years I've been writing as my profile picture. I thought I'd explain why.

I've always been semi-obsessed with the royal family and even as a little girl I loved Princess Diana. Again, as a grown woman with my own son- looking back over her life, I feel a strange sense of connection to her.

Her pain, her love and joy in her boys, how everyone wanted her to stay proper and quiet even when she was in so much pain.

I get it. In different ways, but I do understand what that's like.

Cherished by friends and strangers, yet unknown to so many of us until after her death. Her legacy lives on and is a constant reminder to me of what it means to give voices to others and yet keep so silent about her own issues. The bird that cannot sing.

The Worth of a Child

Going off another post I recently did on my main blog- I have been dealing with something lately that greatly disturbs me as a parent. I used to be a nanny for a long time before I had my son and got my degree. I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM. Even before I had children, I couldn't imagine anyone else caring for my kid on a regular basis.

In tight times, I've opened my home to being a nanny once again. No, it's not ideal for me to have my attention split in two but I am/was hoping to take in just one child whose parents wanted quality, home care and that 2:1 ratio I could offer. I discovered something that blew my mind.

Nannying in my area is typically $10/hr. For a full work week, well- you do the math. I was shocked to find many parents looking for a deal and wanting to cut corners- actual ILLEGAL ways they were doing this left me open-mouthed. I had parents wanting me to be a nanny to their child for less than $2.50 an hour. I'm not joking.

I don't like doing things under the table due to my fear of doing illegal things in general (it is, I checked with the IRS). So- in my search to find how I could do this above table and we could both put it on our taxes- I found it is illegal in the United States to hire help of ANY kind full time (more than 8 hours a week) and pay them less than minimum wage per hour. In fact, parents doing this kind of thing under the table are not only breaking the law, but risk being sued or caught by the government and forced to pay massive fines.

For less than $2 an hour we're talking grossly under qualified caregivers (mostly, not ALL)- or excessive child to caregiver ratios. People doing this are in it for the cause of saving money. But at the expense of their own child. I'm as broke as they come but I would never, ever imagine breaking the law to find a nanny to pay less than minimum wage to. If I want that 1:1 or 2:1 ratio, I'm going to expect to pay for it rather than go with the cheapest person and hope to God they don't sue me- OR I don't sue them for child neglect should anything happen while I am away.

I have cried multiple times in the past few weeks. I set my rate at 5/hr which is under minimum wage but I *hoped* would still attract more reputable families who want nanny care. I've cried because these parents say 'no way' even to my prices which are less than reputable daycare centers. I've cried because I know without a doubt these parents, some I consider friends, would choose to put a value on their child's safety and well being at $25 a day or less.

Before I sound pretentious, I must remind you that ALL these parents are dual income families. ALL have two cars, fancy collections at home their kids aren't allowed to touch, fun family vacations. Benefits. The works. They are not single parents, they are not in want of anything but comforts.

It just breaks my heart that these parents would prefer situations where the caregiver HAS to take in more kids than is safe to make up for the terrible wages. They could be the best person in the planet but if they have to watch 5 kids at a time, there's no way that will end well.

Times like these, I'm reminded why I do what I do. We've made sacrifices for a reason. Because my son needs ME, not someone else. Not someone with 3 other kids to watch. I could never put a price tag on his care. Deals are something you search for in the produce aisle at the market- not in the care and well being of your precious children.

All that matters? Really?

Ok, shit's about to get real. This gets my dander up because it's an issue that really divides moms. Breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. Recently, the medical world has taken a sharp turn towards the former, promoting breastfeeding (sometimes unhelpfully) to new and prospective moms to the point that if they are simply unable to physically produce, they feel (and are often TOLD) they aren't doing something right.

While some problems can be straightened out with helpful lactation advice, other issues are far more than reason for mothers to choose a different way to feed their child. I breastfed (well- pumped) exclusively for little guy's first 5 months of life. I battled issue after issue and in the end totalled up 5 hours a DAY when I was hooked up to a machine instead of actually focusing on being a MOM. In the end, it wasn't worth it. My supply was constantly infected because of other health issues I was battling and I wasn't about to get better and exclusively breastfeed at the same time.

I know other moms whose stories are different. Some feel awkward about it, or maybe they have a past of sexual abuse. It's perfectly reasonable for them to avoid the issue of breastfeeding entirely- their body is their own, for some it can be triggering. Some just don't want to. That's okay too. In my opinion, it really doesn't matter as much as some think. Formula is not the devil. Exclusive breastfeeding moms aren't to be looked down upon.

My 'REALLY?!' moment comes up whenever I see gratuitous photos of women breastfeeding their children on my newsfeed. A lot of the admirers and supporters comment compliments- claiming the only thing that matters is 'the child is fed with love'. My ass! These same people would never comment on a bottle-feeding picture with the same love and fervor. What about the moms who CAN'T?! Seriously. If love is all that matters, why isn't it equal? Why isn't formula feeding just as 'brave'? If love is all that matters you wouldn't be showing favoritism and outrage when Facebook bans a showy breastfeeding photo and not commenting or liking another photo of a baby being fed with love (and formula).

Let's get real. Love isn't ALL that matters, is it?

The two people you're sure to meet as a SAHM

Over and over again, I keep running into these characters. Of course there are the other types of people you meet when you say you're a stay at home parent, the older generation who thinks you have it easier than they did or because they did 'it all', mom/dad, the lot. But more frequently, you meet two different people- usually parents.

1- the person who always says (over and over again): "I have so much respect for stay at home moms, I could never do it". Then they usually go on to say how maternity leave was a nightmare and they couldn't wait to get back to work. Or how much they hate being 'cooped up' with their own kids. Sad, really. I mean, here we are- both of us as parents. Different lifestyles- but it always confuses me to hear parents who admit they can't stand being in their child's company and no one else's. I hope their kid never hears them say that, how damaging to self-esteem! To hear your own mother/father doesn't like just hanging out with you. Sad times.

2- I can't possibly afford it. You're so lucky. Lucky? Ok. If you call downsizing 'lucky' I guess we're lucky. We can't afford it, plain and simple- but when there's a will there's a way. We simple make it work for our family, that's all. Often, these parents I find make these comments and other comments on the sly shading stay at home parents- it's pretty clear they want to stay home but are deciding against it. After all, you can live without two cars, cable, fancy phones and new clothes all the time. I find these parents to be in the 'unhappy with life' group and stay at homes are a butt end of some weird running joke they have amongst themselves.

I swear I can't go a week without meeting at least one type of parent I just described. What annoys me isn't that these parents complain that life is hard. It IS hard, no doubt about it. But that they choose to complain about things that happen to them when in reality it's their own decision to live life they way that they do.

I know my own choices in life are predominantly why we're so broke at the moment. We decided it was important for me to stay home, we can't afford it- but I work from home so we can keep food on the table. We decided to get married young and to have a baby young. That comes with its own financial challenges to be sure. Life's hard, I get it. But in reality- choices matter. You can choose to be one of the above people, or you can choose a different path in life. Personally, if I were hating my decisions I would re-evaluate them!

Time (or lack thereof!)

One thing I've noticed about being a stay at home mom is this: everyone and their mother will want you to do things for them. There is some wild assumption that stay at home parents have TIME, not only to keep a perfect house and sit back and watch tv- but also time  to follow up on other things. Things they themselves are too busy to do because they 'work'- well, we BOTH work- let's not fib.

It's annoying. Working friends who are moms make the assumption they can have me whip up things for them/their kids. Good grief no. I mean- if I get around to it- sure. I'm not a witch. But seriously? I barely have time to make sure my kid stays alive much less tend to the Pinterest-needs of your little spawnling.

I'm not being uppity- working parents work. Stay at home parents work. I'm neither. I'm a work at home parent, meaning I work nights, weekends and nap times just to AFFORD to stay at home with my littles. There's a huge misconception that stay at homes (used to be a bad term there..... interesting history on the word) do nothing.

I have to say though, being a mom who takes care of her son full time- I feel I have a different viewpoint on his childhood than other moms I know. Time. There is SO little of it- and yet so much. Watching my son full time opens my eyes to the fact that other things are far more permanent than his childhood.

And so the projects and the housework and the cooking get pushed aside. There will be time ahead where I can get ahead.... but now.... now is the time to hug and kiss little boy faces while they're still little. To send them to bed knowing they will never again be so small. Not saying working parents don't do this as well- but really...... please stop asking me to do things for you/your family if you don't have the time to do them yourself. It's not up to me to 'mom' your child while you are being 'mom at work'. I'm sorry if my projects and hugs and homemade things go straight to my son over anyone else. That's just how it is right now. You can't outsource that kind of stuff.

Plague version 2.0 and birthday ramblings

Another sickness has hit us this year, thankful we've only been sick twice but this has prevented me from my usual semi-active blogging.
 It might be due to the weather (snow again in almost May!) or not but I've been a little more depressed than usual. The feeling I get when the days blur together and I'm tired, hot and sweaty in my pajamas at 11 am because my son needed my every second all morning- that horrible deja vu that I know will repeat itself tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. Pure exhaustion.
 Probably the reason I've been fighting off infection these days is because I now run a semi-popular (ok, only in select circles) from home business that I do mostly online. I'm actually ok with people knowing my identity there so if you want to check out my shop, just message me :)
 I'm tired of being anonymous too. It's nice. But it takes a lot out of me, even in my personal life- checking things, double checking things and being paranoid.
 Nothing much new to report around here, my little guy will be one soon! D: Even as I prepare for his birthday I know it will be a surreal day for all of us. The day I nearly died, the day my son was born. Happy and horrible all at the same time.
 Looking back over my journey as a mother seems like a dream. I never knew so much pain and exhaustion could exist before I had my son. But now I do. I don't take for granted the briefly happy moments in my own childhood- and I certainly remind myself daily of who I do not want to become (my mom).
 I think every child's birthday should be an anniversary of a mom stepping into motherhood and should be thought of by the mother in this way. It does a person good to look back, to keep focused. To strive to be better, stronger, wiser. To let go of the past year's failures and regrets knowing they were probably far more dramatic to you than your little one.
 Bittersweet. Looking into those big blue eyes I can see the whole world. But by him looking into mine- I am his whole world. That makes all the difference.

sancti-what ?

I'm a sanctimommy. No. Really. I know it. I always think people are a little less insufferable if they just admit their weaknesses. Mine is judging. I am a judgey-faced, Mcjudgerson. That's me! I take full responsibility for this and know there are probably a lot of people I un-knowingly offend with my opinions. But that's ok. They're just that- opinions.

Lately I see a trend in the parent world that I hate- the 'ain't nobody got time for that!' approach to shaming parents who lose sleep over things that matter to them but not to you. Or things that DO matter to you that you're scared to admit.

I was unable to breastfeed and I don't use cloth diapers- but overall I am a pretty natural mama. I don't like loading my son up with sugar or drugs and yet I'm ok with vaccinating him to prevent disease. I make all my baby food from scratch and take pride that he enjoys my cooking- and yet I give formula to supplement what nature took from us. I'm pretty moderate. I babywear. I use a stroller.

But it's all the things I do beyond that that some parents scoff at. I make my own diaper creams and soaps. I buy strictly organic (or try to!). I don't let my son veg in front of a TV and we don't even have cable. I don't want him to grow up into a teenager that hates being around his parents because his peers have that attitude at their homes.

Basically I want to make him a 90's baby. ;) Before cell phones and before DVD's. Before families got plugged in and tuned out to what each other are going through. I have old fashioned ideas that my son will never call me by my first name or argue with me when he isn't old enough to make a decision for himself.

It's really ironic how important all that is to me- I guess it's something I never had. A mom willing and wanting to do all that for me. To make my life the happiest and healthiest it can be.

Beyond stressed

Sorry if this post is disjointed.

Lately my work from home business has taken off- yay?- leaving me more exhausted than ever. It's just me and my kitchen and sewing machine. All night. Every night. All weekend. Every weekend. It's the only time I have to 'work' after my already full-time job of being a stay at home mom. Why?

Well- DH's job isn't paying enough to keep us fed on top of the medical bills we incurred from having a complicated pregnancy and delivery with our LO. So. I work.

It's humiliating to admit this to anyone- no one really understands. I work so my son has food. I work so I can eat once in a while. We only have one car so it's frequent that I stay at home for days on end with no escape like 'normal' people might.

Still dealing with post partum depression and anxiety. But all that is just pushed to the side. We can't afford therapists- those are for rich people. Sadly. Now I understand why so many poorer communities struggle with mental health issues. Getting therapy and counseling is a first world problem. There are so many who cannot get the medications they need to maintain the jobs they need to survive- simply because they don't have the money nor transportation to get to a doctor or to pay for a prescription for something necessary. Mental health is NOT a prominent issue when you're broke. Living is. Eating enough to avoid the doctor's office is.

Ever since I've been that poor, I'll never think the same way again. If I ever get rich someday I'll be a millionaire who drives an old car and lives in a tiny house because I want to give back what I can to families in need.

I guess I'm blessed to have the time, energy (kinda) and resources to maintain my own business as a way of helping us out. I am thankful. Truly. But sometimes it just overwhelms me and embitters my soul watching the ease at which others can afford to do things I can only dream of. I'm not lazy, I work my butt off and so does my husband. It hurts so much that there are some out there that think wealth really comes from hard work.

Anyway, that was a rabbit trail. It will get better. It will. Someday. But right now it's g-damn hard.

Grace's dictionary for modern parenting

- I am including myself in this lot! Recently, I've noticed a lot of new language coming out when some people talk of their own children or children they know. The words 'brats' and 'twirps' aren't used nearly as much as other, more self-assuring words today. Here are a few examples and what I think of when I hear them:

My son/daughter is so sassy.
  Sassy. The s-word. While some adults may find it cute for a child to be 'assertive' in reality this means more often than not that the child is a tiny asshole. A right brat who would have been called such ten years ago, but not today. Sassy usually means the child who will backtalk adults with grown-up language and those who show no respect for their elders or call adults by their first name (am I the only one annoyed by this?)

Assertive. When I hear this, I've begun to assume this means the child has no problem smacking toys out of other children's hands or using bullying language on weaker children to get what they want when they want it. They might also try the same tactics with adults. Assertive should be a good word to use- a lot of the times it just means a bully.

Independent. Refuse to listen to authority and will test a new person in charge at every turn.

These should be good words, but they're not. In addition, I'll add some 'bad' words I hear thrown out about some kids who just need TLC.

Spoiled. Really? Is your baby really spoiled? Or just not getting the attention they need? It's a far cry from the spoiled child wanting a goose to lay golden eggs for her vs. the baby who just wants mama.

ADD- ADHD- bored/hyperactive. I know ADD and ADHD are very real things, but more often than not some people will tell you that about their child when they have not been diagnosed. As if that itself described the child. Honestly, this sucks. Some kids are just easily bored because they need stimulation they are not getting. Maybe they want attention instead of being home where screens are on all day and then they are expected to settle down quietly into bed when they have not had the one-on-one time they desperately need.

These are just some observations I've made and they do not apply to everyone. I have noticed the disturbing trend where parents appear to be no longer parents and guides- but naturalists observing monkeys in their natural habitat with clipboards marking down their behavior from a distance and talking to other scientists about their 'findings' lol. See what I mean? I guess that's what happens when my generations, latch-key-kids, have children of their own. The young parents of the 2010's have drastically different examples of parenting than the generations before us. Most just go with the flow.

All the things I've never do as a mom

I think every parent or prospective parent has this list- of things they'll never repeat that their parents did to them. I've decided to share mine. There are a lot of things I don't agree with in how my parents raised me, I think my biggest fear as a mom wasn't in having an actual kid of my own- but being a terrible parent to that child.

Here's my list:
I WILL NEVER

-belittle their hopes or dreams with sharp words from my mouth or actions that show disapproval of who they are

-impose any religion on my child, they will be educated and have the freedom to choose what they believe in instead of being indoctrinated from infant hood to a particular religious background

-beat my child in any way, shape or form. I just don't think I have it in me, nor does my husband. I don't think we could ever use physical harm as a means of discipline.

-be so busy that I do not have time for my child. Okay- that's a tough one. If I can't drop what I'm doing to be there when my child really needs me, I'm too busy with things that shouldn't be more important.

I WILL ALWAYS

-listen to my child. A lot of abuse towards children in particular can be avoided if parents are really in-tune with what their child may be trying to tell them. In listening, I will never force him to do something he is rightfully uncomfortable to do.

-watch my language- even if I don't agree with someone I can disagree in a respectful manner. I want my child to know that just because you disagree with someone doesn't mean you have the right to treat them in a way they should not be treated.

-know when to handle matters in private. I hated hearing/watching my parents argue. Violently. I don't want my son to grow up with that.

-be my child's mother, and eventually shift into the role of friend. I will not be his friend from birth- nor will I be his mommy dearest he can come running back to as a child when he's a grown man. I will know my boundaries and I will not overstep them.

-respect my child's decision to be different from me. Lord knows I'm full aware constant battering and disagreements usually end in no contact ;) - I will NOT be my in laws. This one is hard as a parent- I never want my son to move halfway across the globe from me, but if he does I will have to be ok with it.

Do you have a list? If so- what's on it? Feel free to share, I'm always adding things to mine!

That was close- I almost had to parent

No offence intended. That's honestly what I hear from people who have no idea what to do with their children.

In a culture that outsources a lot of childcare, this thinking is pretty common. At least in my town. People who get snow days all of a sudden have no idea how to be a parent to their child- because, let's face it, they haven't had to since maternity leave 5+ years ago.

It's hard for me to understand what life must be like for them. How can a person not know what to do with their own kids for a few hours while they are awake? I'm not talking about doing perfect Martha Stewart crafts with them- but like- I don't know, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a four year old. Playing a game with a two year old. Little things. It just blows my mind that these aren't daily occurrences in their households. Granted there are exceptions but I'm talking about the people I have heard admit they don't know how to be a parent because they're never home. How sad.

You know where I stand on staying home. I won't even go there.

I write on it so much because although it's hard, terrible and I have sooo many not-so-great moments where I am covered in someone else's body fluids- I know no one can replace my influence in my little guy's life. Yes, even wiping up vomit is a way to love on him.

Two weeks can change a lot of things

I haven't written because I'm pretty sad right now- I lost my cat of two years that we adopted as an adult. She died the 2nd and after having such a loyal pet by my side for so long, our house feels weird and empty without her. :(

so that's why I haven't written much- honestly life is just one big crap shoot after another to me. I'm still fighting off infections from bronchitis, one round of antibiotic wasn't enough and so my doctor wanted me to try something new- hah- ended up nearly leaving me bedridden with side effects. So now I'm back on the only medication I don't react badly to. If I ever develop an allergy to it- goodbye Gracie. :P I have no idea what I would do if I did. It's the only thing keeping me alive through all the issues I have.

My hubby has been working or at least gone FOR work for 12 hours of the day and so I am solo parenting (I'll write more of that in a specific post) it's hard. Really hard. My body aches, my head pounds, my son has taken to screaming for fun which leaves me with a migraine by 10 am that lasts until - well- it never really goes away. The physical stress of taking care of a big baby/toddler alone for 12 hrs a day is staggering. I admire single mothers. Really- they deserve a medal or something. If I had to do it for 24 hrs, day and night I would be in the madhouse before long. Thankfully it's 'only' 12 hr days with my son. But- that's a lot.

I don't have a car because we can't afford one and I'm stuck in the house with all the harsh weather we've been having. Losing my freaking mind.

We don't have family to help (see my other blog) and we don't have money for a sitter- nor do we really trust anyone who offers to help- not that anyone has even offered. I don't have friends like that. It sucks. Whenever something 'big' happens to people I know they're gone and totally thoughtless even though I try my best to keep them in the loop about my life without being a Debbie Downer.

I thought it was common courtesy to check in on a friend not doing so well. Just me? Maybe. Maybe I'm archaic and I actually expect 'friends' to be there when you need them. My best friend is a charm I hold dearly but lives so so far away, no one else I know is like that. Oh I could just cry.

If anyone needs a friend- seriously - hit me up. I'm a damn good one. I know what NOT to do.

Plague 2014

Humor me while I am overly dramatic on this post ;) I haven't posted much lately because all three of us have come down with some sort of awful cold. Getting better- but my gosh- last thing I remember it was Sunday! I've been knocked out on the couch ever since.

This is LO's first cold too- kinda proud we made it to 8 months with no sickness whatsoever- but with all the viruses circulating and unusually harsh winter we're having, it was only a matter of time.

Hubs got the job! I'm helping him out and we started yesterday, processing and mailing post for a large company. We won't see our first paycheck til the end of February but it's going to be a nice one! Thankful we only have one more month to struggle through before we can start paying everything down and then saving up for a car for me.

That's really all we have going on over here- I know, it's boring. :P It may be a while til I have anything worth sharing but I will let you know ;)

Prayers please

Two things I want to share that could use all the prayers- vibes- thoughts I have right now:
1- A new job situation may have opened up for my husband and me. On top of his full time job and me working at home, he found a part time we may be able to do together from home after my son is asleep at night or on the weekends. I may be able to quit taking custom orders from people for sewing if it works out. Also- we wouldn't have to struggle month to month with medical bills and grocery needs like we do right now. His current full time job isn't enough for three people to live on, so this part time position from home would be a God-send. Fingers crossed!
2- Kind of going off that, I've had health problems for the past 7 years going from one doctor to another. I see a new specialist in a couple of months and could use any thoughts or vibes sent my way that this person can finally help me. It would be nice to have energy and the physical strength to keep up with my son everyday.

We work hard- harder than hard. We both have college degrees, we both have a strong work ethic- it's annoying to me when people assume our situation can be fixed easily. We don't have family to help. With the economy the way it is, it's no wonder most people who are on the edge of bankruptcy are there due to medical bills or unavoidable hospital visits. Just a pet peeve of mine. Especially being young parents who have not had two incomes for ten years before having children- we don't have that cushion to fall back on. For once it would be nice to NOT worry about how we're going to pay for groceries or if we can make the mortgage payment or not.

When must or have to becomes- I do/don't WANT to

We live in an age where people in the modern world have many choices. What to have for breakfast, what to wear- what career to choose, what car to drive, where to go on vacation. #firstworldproblems are every day occurrences. What was once a community of people connected to each other by bonds stronger than wifi, has become one of the most plugged-in and tuned-out communities in the world. Chances are, if you're reading this off a computer or smart phone you know what I'm talking about.

In a culture fueled by entertainment, life isn't so much all about what your father or great grandfather did- the farm you will inherit, the company you will have to run someday, the person you'll have to marry- it's all up to us. What used to be choices made out of necessity are now choices made out of convenience.

I know I talk a lot about staying home with your children during their fundamental years. With all the mommy wars out there, I don't even try to argue 'sides' to anything I do or don't agree with. One thing is irrefutable however, the influence a mother or father can have on a young life- on that child's security and attachment. These are physiological reasons as well as psychological ones. In a world of 'NOW NOW NOW' it's no wonder so little attention is placed upon the people in this world who seem to offer US so little. The elderly, the children. The forgotten margins of society.

It strikes me as odd that people who will spend years and thousands of dollars on a child- fertility treatments or international adoptions even- will have no qualms about handing that precious life over to a total stranger. To mold, to raise. "Be sure to teach Susie how to be kind, how to be patient and how to care for others...... Okay, well- I'm off for the day. See you in about ten hours." Every day of the week?

The elderly are our past and we can learn so much from them- our children are our future- the ones who will be carrying on after we are long gone. And yet so many people are willing to out-source their care out of.... convenience?

Yesterday a working mom I am friends with-working by choice- same kid who got mauled by another child at daycare- she told me the same thing she's mentioned before. "Stay at home moms like you are my heroes." Why? I ask... The answer- her words not mine- "It's exhausting. I don't know how you do it. I'd go crazy if I had to take care of my kid every day, all day."

My heart hurts for this little girl whose mother has no idea what she's doing. Bragging about how the daycare workers do this or do that and it's sooo good for her- and yet.... I can't help but think, feel and know that she is missing out on being a mother. Her experience and bond with her daughter will be different from my bond with my son- granted- because they are different people- but how will this little girl react when she hits her tween stage or teenage years and realizes her mother is a person she barely knows?

I know what I'm saying isn't popular- but there it is. It's their choice. It's their life. It's their child. And yet the other side needs to be talked about. Apparently it's taboo these days to suggest anything that might offend someone else. Isn't it common knowledge that most children can benefit greatly by having structure in their life? Not constantly changing caregivers? Since when does being an adult and being a parent revolve around what you do or don't FEEL like doing? Do they realize how selfish this sounds?

I can't imagine turning to my son and telling him in 10-15 odd years- that I let someone else raise him because I didn't FEEL like the work or the sacrifice it took to stay home and be a full time mom.

Bad Day

It usually takes me a while before I condemn a day as 'bad' or say it's a good day- however today is just so terribly full of poo that I have to say it's a horrible one so far.

My blood sugar's crashed and I can't get it up.
I feel like I'm constantly putting my foot in my mouth because I can't say something- anything- that doesn't seem to get misconstrued or twisted into something I didn't mean.
Feeling friendless. It's been a while since I heard back from anyone.
Taking on a massive sewing undertaking from someone for business and man- if this isn't a tall order on top of all I'm dealing with and going through right now.

Ok- on that last point- I have never before done a commissioned work for someone so picky. True- I will be as honest and open with you as humanly possible if you are paying me to do something- but I will NOT tell you all my tricks and tips and secrets. I'd go out of business. Plain and simple. So yeah, there's the zillion questions.

Then this person wanted a specific piece done for them- ok I quoted them an accurate price on what they initially asked for. THEN they changed their mind and wanted it SUPER specific to the point where I cannot do it by machine at all but am now making this thing by hand because that's the only possible way I can do what they asked. Usually I would price my work a lot higher for a hand sewn and painted work- however I've been in a rough spot since I already quoted the person on something I thought they wanted.

So yeah- there's that. I raised my price to cover the materials for this monster project but I'm still doing the work for less than minimum wage. No more! As soon as this order is done I am not short-changing myself and will be working for at least minimum wage.

I run a small business from home when LO is asleep and it's been tough. But my work is excellent if I do say so myself- and I do say so. I've been working for years perfecting my skills and honey- they ain't easy.

So I guess today is a bad day because I feel like a bumbling fool who can't do anything right and feels like crap because of my malfunctioning pancreas. Desperately trying not to be sour and bitter about everything under the sun as I hike up my big girl panties and do things I really, really, really don't want to do today.

Missing out?

There are a lot of questions a woman (or man) may ask themselves upon deciding to make being a stay at home parent 'work' for them. I say work because I truly believe it's possible if you are fully committed to the idea. I've known many single mother who work during the night and are there for their children during the day. It's not easy but they make it work for them. Not saying it's for everyone, but if your heart is truly willing there is almost always a way. Maybe it's giving up having two cars, eating in vs eating out, budgeting groceries and time spent so if you have to work it can be done around your children.
 I work from home, often at nights or in those rare occasions when my son is napping. I haven't always had a heart for the home, and it's still a struggle for me- subduing the inner feminist lion on a daily basis.

For many, stay at home parenting is a thing of the past, because women HAD to do it then- they had no choice. Well- today many women have the choice and don't take it. By being educated and good at what I do, it was certainly a choice to stay home. Often there is a little voice inside my head telling me all the things I'm missing out on (selfishly) and all the things some people have suggested my son missing out on. Missing out? What's the deal with that notion anyway?

Missing out on being independent from a young age (he's 7 months). Well- sure. If you consider a Lord of the Flies type of atmosphere 'missing out'. As a former nanny it really is so clear for me to tell what children have been in daycare from day one and what children have been taken care of by their parents or other permanent home care providers (grandparents, mainly).

People suggesting on multiple occasions that I do 'what they do in daycare' as if it's something to aspire to. Trust me. I've seen what goes on there. A stay at home parent has to be downright abusive to be worse than the constant switching of caregivers, atmospheres less than desirable and constant wave of illnesses that stem from too many children per caregiver. Even in the United States. Even those 'good' daycares. It saddens me that there are often amazing, caring, talented people working in centers who are simply unable to keep up. If a mom has triplets, she is expected to have some kind of help- and yet the ratio of children to caregivers from 6 weeks on is 1 to 4- children being on the larger side of the scale. I know my views are controversial on this topic but I have a feeling a lot more people would be up in arms over American childcare if they knew how poor it really is even in the best of centers.

There is often such a fallacy both mother and child are missing out on something by committing to the stay at home close relationship that has been in place for thousands of years. Infants are hard-wired to learn from their mommies and daddies, to seek comfort and closeness and security that is your smell and loving embrace. To suggest otherwise, to suggest that this important relationship is second at best to 'socialization' or a mother's 'career goals' is simply astounding to me. My son doesn't need to be part of a baby picking order to assert himself. I don't need to work a high-paying CEO job to find my worth and value in life.

It's inflammatory to suggest to anyone who thinks this is important that staying at home is where a baby does best with their mama. However- you don't have to 'win' anything against these views. Missing out? I don't think so. Maybe their nannies or daycare providers will send them videos of their children accomplishing tasks or learning to walk or talk. Maybe they will be able to live vicariously through another's eyes- the firsts or lasts milestones of their child. But I am there for all of it. The last time they use a pacifier. The last time they WANT to snuggle close to you and fall asleep while you rock them. The first time they crawl or walk and glow with the achievement of their own strength. The tears when they fall down or are sad. The laughter when they are happy.

Fact is, you can schedule 'quality time' all you want- but you need QUANTITY time for that to happen. Maybe I am missing out on all the perks of being a two income family, the cars- the stuff- the vacations. But I would far rather 'miss' these material things than to miss seeing my son's face every single day, discovering something new and learning how to get on in the world with me as a guide.

"Friends" no more

There's no doubt that there are several times in your life you will probably lose friends. One- when you get married. Two-when you have kids. Forget the fair/foul weather adage- big life changes are the surest way to find out who is in it for the long haul and who's hauling ass to get the heck out of there.

There are several people I'm cutting out of my life- it's quite clear they don't care and even after all we've been through and how much I've been there for them. Well- it's all for nothing. Can't say I'm NOT bummed- because I am. I liked them. But that's the way life is at times.

These are the same 'friends' who showed up to my wedding almost-late. Because after months of planning they decided to go to their friends' shotgun wedding held at the same day and planned last minute (within 2 weeks of mine that we had set all year). Same 'friends' who left early (who does that) and brought along their brother- really(?!) who I met once and wasn't invited to the small affair. Same 'friends' who bug me to bring LO out to see THEM over an hr and a half away when I don't take him out much due to flu season and I don't have a car most of the week. Yeah.

As if this isn't bad enough, these people have been less than 15 mins away from me partying somewhere for a friend's birthday and didn't bother to let me know. Yesterday I found out they went to an attraction within five minutes of my house and didn't both to tell me. I mentioned it to them but got ignored. So yeah. End. Kaput. El Fin.

I'm a good friend. It's not often that I talk myself up but I'm speaking truth here. I'm loyal, I'm there for you til the end. If you need anything I'm usually the first to be there. So yeah- it hurts when I make people a priority and they make me an option at best.

Well, no more. I'm hoping to graciously 'fade' out of the picture. Fact is, we'll never get together unless I initiate and make it to see THEM on their time. Life's too short to waste and that's what I feel I've been doing. Wasting time and effort with people who couldn't give two hoots about me or what's going on in my life.

How to be content

Ouch. Ok this post is a toughie for me. It speaks to me as much as it speaks to any of you as readers. I think at some point, everyone reaches that brick wall in life where you're attained what you've hoped you would. The job, the marriage, the family..... you know, those long-term goals you grew up wanting to have one day. When you're starting out, it's exciting and new- over the past five years I've experienced just that. My life was taking off, I was graduating at the top of the dean's list and had such big plans. I went to international auditions and callbacks with the top directors and casting agencies in the nation. Life was exciting, it was crazy and a little bit overwhelming. I was on fire.

Then I decided to take a break from all that, I wanted to have a family and knew I could go back to work in the future- but now- I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to take these early years and slow down and enjoy them with my family.

It's hard giving up goals and dreams. Not forever- just temporarily. I have no regrets.

But I do realize, and I'd be a fool NOT to realize, that once you 'get there' to what you want in life, life just seems to drag. And ultimately, you find yourself asking- "Is that all there is?" And that nasty monster of insecurity and 'what-if' comes creeping up on you and before you know it you're malcontent and gloomy on the outlook of life that once seemed so captivating. The rain pours down and you see your dream as the reality it is now. The dirty diapers, the lack of outside contact with other adults, the quiet.

I'm a depressed person- always have been and probably always will be. I had/have post partum depression right now. But you know what I've found to be true? It doesn't HAVE to be this bad. I'm making it dreary, I'm dragging myself down into the 'woe is me' part of life because things happen to be boring right now. I'm creating my own little bubble of sorrows and sighs.

Well, enough is enough. Depression isn't avoidable-  but why add fuel to the fire of what's already right there? It makes no sense! And so- here are a few things I've done personally to help get over myself and my insecurity in the boring-ness of life as I know it.

1- be thankful. Sounds simple- but really- remind yourself every day of the great treasures you DO have in your life. People, things, a warm place to call home. Being alive.

2- surround yourself with the positive- listen to music you like, books or radio programs that are uplifting to you and your spirit. Cut out the negative energy from people around you that might be pulling you deeper into anxiety or depression. And for God's sake don't stalk people on social media only to be unsatisfied with your life the way it is now!!! Don't compare your every day normal to their 'highlights' chances are, they're only showing what's good and not the bad. If they're showing you the bad, too- then they're probably gloomy gussies and need to get the boot!

3-enjoy the little things. A candy bar, a walk outside, sitting in the sun, going swimming, a warm blanket and hot cup of your favorite drink in the evening. A cuddle with someone you love.

4-avoid the mentality that life is always up ahead. True. It may be different in the future, it may be easier. But life- YOUR life- is happening all around you every moment. You can't plan for 'quality time', you need to make time for any quality time to happen because it happens on its own at any given moment. Learn to slow down. Learn to enjoy today- not always be looking towards tomorrow. That's the easiest way to take your life for granted and end up with nothing in the end. Life isn't up ahead- it's now.

5- there is a balance to introspection- and also looking outward. You need to love yourself to love others. It's ok to 'work' on yourself but don't make that a priority. Also- don't make others such a priority that you forget to take care of yourself! There needs to be a balance there.

I'm sure there's more I could add, but this alone has helped me be more thankful for the time I have every day. When life is less than thrilling. It doesn't have to be exciting to be fabulous.

Sore Subjects

I recently left a facebook group for moms with kids my son's age. There comes a point where- when you're down- there's no point to surround yourself with things and people and talk that simply hurts you all the more. Nothing's ideal when you're going through something like family separation or depression or anxiety. Being mature in handling that means knowing your limits and knowing when I cut off ties that are toxic- however harmless they might seem to anyone else. You're not anyone else- you're YOU and need to be in tune with what is helpful and what might push you over the edge.

A sore subject for me is more children. I nearly lost my son and my life when I had him- my pregnancy was anything but easy and it was surprisingly difficult and left me with more health issues than I care to mention. Bottom line- I may be getting surgery for these issues when others are trying to get pregnant with kiddo number 2. I want more kids. At least I thought I did. Right now it's looking like LO will be a one and only child. I don't know if I can go through another miscarriage and be ok on the other side- and, my husband and I really don't want to risk my well-being on another risky pregnancy. As far as I know we're done with biological kids.

And so I left the group- it just got too hard to keep up with these few ladies who were totally thoughtless and careless.

Another sore subject for me is the post partum group I attend locally. As I mentioned before, very few moms in that group stay home and if they do it's only because they are on maternity leave. It's hard supporting others and being supported by others who honestly have no idea what daily life is like for someone with one income. I don't know what it's like to have two cars or to be able to afford therapy or a psychiatrist. I feel judged often because I simply don't have the means to afford what these people find comes so easy to them since they have greater health benefits, financial means and family to support them.

Although the group can be helpful and I do like a few ladies who attend, I feel like I'm a world away from what their daily reality happens to be. I think a sore spot for me was being there, totally and loyally for a few of them going through a rough time- only to admit our financial hardship and how bad the past month has been for me at our last meeting- and to look around now and find these same people.....where? I have no idea. They're not there for me.

It's disheartening. My greatest support comes from my husband, from my son's need for me as a mother- and from listening to self-help, encouragement books via audio while I go about my lonely day. And blogging. It's refreshing to have a totally-anonymous site to spill out my thoughts every day. I'm so guarded with anyone and everyone else.

It's hard relating to people who cannot relate to you. It's even harder when your values and beliefs are so drastically different that it's difficult to find friends of kindred mindsets.

"Hearing" your child

Bear with me, another mini rant is going to happen here.
The other night I was told by my well-meaning mom friend, another woman with her child in the care of someone else over 50 hours a week, that baby sign language is a good way of teaching them how to communicate with you so you don't get frustrated with them.

I smiled and nodded but was screaming inside. How sad, too.

Every human being is intrinsically born with a way to communicate. Not all verbal- some physical, some emotional. For a primary, parental caregiver like myself, teaching my 7 month old sign language to talk to me seems a bit like training a dolphin to do tricks and my son is no dolphin!

Now sign language may be beneficial if someone in the family HAS a hearing problem, but I can assure you no one in this person's family does and no one in my family or friend circle does either. There is no other reason for it than to make communication easier on YOU by teaching your child a way of telling you something is wrong because heaven-forbid you're around them long enough to understand their facial expressions and different cries.

Lately, little guy has been showing more of the colorful expressions he's always had from birth. If there was ever a child born into the world as stubborn as could be, it would be my son. He's never had a problem telling us exactly what he likes and doesn't like.

Have we become so out of touch with our own children that we no longer 'hear' them when we hear them?

I don't NEED sign language to tell me when my son is upset or when he's happy.

And I'd love to tell all the part-time parents just that. It's NOT normal to not understand a baby's cry for physical comfort. Maybe our society is wholly plugged-in and tuned-out to the basic needs and desires of the children.

Then again, that's what happens in a world where we de-value the elderly and the young alike.

PPD and Privilege

Post partum depression and privilege- something that's been my every day life for quite a while now. I suffered with extreme pre-natal depression through the end of my pregnancy with my son- now, 7 months after he was born- I still struggle with PPD. It's a beast, all too-common and yet no one really talks about it in mom-circles. It's surprising how many women have had it but are always too afraid to bring it up in polite conversation because it's taboo.

No one wants to talk about what is affecting so many women today- because it's not acceptable for our society to believe motherhood is anything but the bliss the crackhead, crazy mothers out there pretend it to be. It simply isn't all that.

I love motherhood, I love my son, I HATE the depression, anxiety and outrageous hormones that have made the past year a living hell for me. It's been a real struggle with doctors, finding the right medication and making sure I'm self-aware of how I'm doing on a given day so as not to put myself or my son in danger of the crazy.

7 months out, I worry if I'll get better. I know I will, intrinsically- but emotionally it's been so long since I felt okay on a daily basis.

That's where the privilege comes in.

All I am able to do to cope with PPD is to go to a support group and take medication my general doctor prescribes. I've looked into therapy, into seeing a psychiatrist- nothing doing. Recently my anti-anxiety medication went up to $20 a month and now we have to budget for that since we don't even have that per month.

At the support group there are a few stay at home moms, a few people who either know what it's like to be a stay at home mom or are staying home now. It's hard. It throws a whole new curve ball into PPD when you're the sole caretaker for a baby.

It's my experience that PPD is a luxury. It's not made-up, but it IS a luxury in that those who have it but also have greater funds can make it go away faster than those unable to receive mental help. I'm in the latter category. When you can afford a therapist, psychiatrist and the proper medication you can get better faster. So pardon me if I feel a bit hopeless at times. I know I'll get through this but it's hard when many moms who have had it don't understand or have never been where I am right now.

I admit there is bitterness in my heart towards that. Towards people for whom PPD is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to them. To me it's icing on the crap cake of my life. Just another bump in the road of unfortunate events.

Disturbing

I'm often taken aback by the attitude of many of the parents I know who have their child in full-time daycare. I know this is or should not be the average parent- but it irks me. And so I blog. ;)

I was astounded recently by a friend who picked up her precious 6 month old from daycare and brushing off the fact that even her daycare providers were concerned on the mom's reaction. Another child had clawed her baby's face leaving noticeable marks. I know this probably happens a lot. Baby nails are lethal weapons, believe you me. But still- I was shocked inwardly by how the mom brushed it off and said it makes her kid look 'tough'. Really? Um ok. It's ok to be relaxed about parenting but just the thought of another child hurting my son makes me cringe. I'd understand if it happened on a playdate- shit happens- but I saw this kid in person and if she were my daughter I'd be livid with the harm doen to her on someone else's watch.

Another point- another mom's reaction to this- while most laughed and thought it 'funny' this one mom took it farther and mentioned that her 2 yr old son was in daycare from day one and often came home with bite marks. And she can laugh about it?!

I don't get it. I just don't. As a mom I can't comprehend what a lot of people perceive as 'normal' things to happen to their babies.

I realize I'm probably overprotective with LO, but there's a time when he'll fall and hurt himself or get into a play-related accident with a friend- and we'll clean him up and hug him and send him on his merry way. He'll be older than he is now. Maybe that's what disturbs me. These aren't kids old enough to talk, to tell their mom or dad what happened. These are babies. Unable to walk, barely sit and unable to fend for themselves. Why is this a laughing matter again? I'm pretty good at reading people's humor and getting jokes- but I assure you, this was no joke. To these parents it was the hilarious misfortune of life that they assumed we as mothers were all familiar with. :/

I realize I'm drastically different from the 'norm' here. I don't work full time, I don't use daycare for LO. In fact, I'm antsy even thinking about leaving him with someone I barely know for hours on end without me nearby. He's my baby- no one can care for him the way I do because no one loves him the way I do. As a former nanny I know this.

EDIT: I was thinking about this more and had to mention- the person with the kid who got their face clawed at?? Yeah- she said she was 'relieved' to have someone else take care of her kid full time. Why? Because she had no idea how to and relied on the workers to make sure her kid is raised well. Um- sorry- but isn't that the parent's job???

NOTE: the future posts may be offensive to some- but that is not my intention. This is simply me- saying what's on my mind and from my point of view and understanding. I know there are parents who use daycare, in other countries it's probably a far cry from the baby-farms we have here. This is my experience. I shudder to think I live in an area and a situation where this is normal, I don't mean to be pretentious. I'm honestly just taken aback by the lack of concern many parents have due to the early (6 weeks or less in some cases) separation from their infant. I do think America's limited maternity leave contributes greatly to many mother's lack of connection to the pain or fear their babies must feel when harm comes to them and she is not around. I feel there is simply no replacement for a (good) mother's love for her child.