In all areas of life, especially the socially-exposed areas of life- there is a drive to be perfect. Above reproach. A wow-look-at-her kind of woman. To be a wonder woman and a wonder mom in this day and age is no easy feat- nor is it a cheap one. And so here is my rebuttal to the theory of the perfect mom- to the notion that perfection must be reached before one even becomes a mother (I'm not joking here).
BEFORE getting pregnant there is now an extreme push to know exactly when you will get pregnant. Some woman family plan years in advance with a healthy diet regime to make them prime baby-makers. Prenatals are started months or even years before conception. Trying to conceive or TTC as it is commonly known among the interwebs is no longer a matter of baby making. It has a formula. With ovulation charts, basal body temperature readings and a strict method of tracking ovulation- some women begin the TTC process months or even years prior to conception. Maybe with older women having children or holding off on children, the science side of baby making is now the suggested formula of getting pregnant. Granted some women may be planners and may WANT to do it this way but apart from general health screenings there used to be nothing in the way of a healthy woman to simply stop birth control and get pregnant. This is no longer the norm. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing infertility- however I am talking about these methods applied to the average woman with no known issues conceiving. It seems more and more moms to be are jumping on the fertility tracking wagon and throwing chance to the wind in an attempt to be perfect and even conceive and give birth by a certain date.
THEN- there is pregnancy itself. The sanctimommies of the STFU parenting world (another blog I love!) who constantly remind pregnant first time moms of what is and what is not safe. Many woman now avoid makeup, acne care, canned foods and even some meats in an attempt to reduce the risk of- well, basically anything. Proven or not to be health issues. With so much of this careful no-no planning going on in pregnancy it's a wonder so many people announce publicly so early! I am always shocked when I see a pee stick on my newsfeed. When people around 6 weeks announce to the world with little to no consideration of what could happen in that crucial time up to 12 weeks where miscarriage is still an unknown risk for multiple reasons.
And how do you tell the sanctimommies apart from the real moms? Well- don't worry- they'll tell you. Ever wonder who's going all natural or planning on cloth diapering or worse- potty training their baby by carrying around a rubbermaid container for them to expel their bodily fluids in- well- wonder no more! Again, they'll tell you. And try to convert you over to the dark side.
I have not gotten to the AFTER birth part of mommyhood yet but I'm sure I'll have stories from beyond once I do. (beyond reason! haha)
Here are some confessions from a bad mom- a real mom IMO (me, mainly)
- I've had lunch meat, cheese foods, canned items and caffeine (a cup of tea or coffee if I'm really crazy)
- Sometimes, instead of walk on a cloud of motherhood expectations, I'll fantasize about what drinks I'm going to have after the baby and I no longer share a bloodstream.
- I do not keep a pregnancy journal. Frankly there are no memories I'd like to remember. It's been hurling hell since day one and some days I have nothing positive to say at all besides complain about the parasite inside me making me feel like hell.
-I laugh at those first time moms planning a natural birth to a tee- sorry- to each their own. But I laugh at some of the details. 'the lights must be dim' 'there must be a certain kind of instrument playing in the background' 'no one will enter the birth room wearing such and such perfume' - if i were planning a birth without an epidural I might give consideration to things I'll surely be in far too much pain to care about or remember. Right?
-I have no birth plan. My birth plan is to give birth in whatever way is most comfortable for me and healthiest for the baby. I have no objections but trust my doctor and hospital group to help me make decisions as I go.
-I DO plan for an epidural. After watching epidural births over natural ones I realized (to me at least) to ask for a natural birth is like asking for a root canal without Novocaine. I plan on giving birth as God intended- with a team of professionals on call and my body numb from the waist down.
-Our name is not ground-breaking new or original- it is not a family name- it's just a name we liked.
-Our baby will have two last names as he is taking my last name as a second middle one to continue Spanish tradition. I know we'll be getting flack for this as it's unheard of where we live right now.
A final confession.
I love my baby. I refuse to be seen as a bad mom- rather a real mom with real pain levels and expectations of being helped along by whatever technology and pain relief is out there. I feel overwhelmed with mommy perfectionism as it starts in the womb. I'm informed of all the options out there- but for me- a natural birth or pregnancy even is just a no-go. So- I'm letting go of the guilt of not being perfect now while I have the chance. I will not be a perfect mother. There is no such person. But the least I can do is to take that pressure off myself now, to allow myself to make mistakes and to fail. And thank god most of those mistakes will happen before our son is even old enough to remember them. And none shall be the wiser. Post-baby I hope to be able to raise a glass (of whatever drink I so choose) to the mothers out there courageous enough to stop being perfect. To the moms who hated pregnancy. To the moms who had gender disappointment for months. To the moms who had prenatal depression and everyone told them they were crazy. To the real women who love their children in spite of all this and aren't afraid to let a few flaws show as our lives transition into the beautiful stage of caring for another human more than caring about ourselves. I applaud you.
