Another sickness has hit us this year, thankful we've only been sick twice but this has prevented me from my usual semi-active blogging.
It might be due to the weather (snow again in almost May!) or not but I've been a little more depressed than usual. The feeling I get when the days blur together and I'm tired, hot and sweaty in my pajamas at 11 am because my son needed my every second all morning- that horrible deja vu that I know will repeat itself tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. Pure exhaustion.
Probably the reason I've been fighting off infection these days is because I now run a semi-popular (ok, only in select circles) from home business that I do mostly online. I'm actually ok with people knowing my identity there so if you want to check out my shop, just message me :)
I'm tired of being anonymous too. It's nice. But it takes a lot out of me, even in my personal life- checking things, double checking things and being paranoid.
Nothing much new to report around here, my little guy will be one soon! D: Even as I prepare for his birthday I know it will be a surreal day for all of us. The day I nearly died, the day my son was born. Happy and horrible all at the same time.
Looking back over my journey as a mother seems like a dream. I never knew so much pain and exhaustion could exist before I had my son. But now I do. I don't take for granted the briefly happy moments in my own childhood- and I certainly remind myself daily of who I do not want to become (my mom).
I think every child's birthday should be an anniversary of a mom stepping into motherhood and should be thought of by the mother in this way. It does a person good to look back, to keep focused. To strive to be better, stronger, wiser. To let go of the past year's failures and regrets knowing they were probably far more dramatic to you than your little one.
Bittersweet. Looking into those big blue eyes I can see the whole world. But by him looking into mine- I am his whole world. That makes all the difference.
