Plague 2014

Humor me while I am overly dramatic on this post ;) I haven't posted much lately because all three of us have come down with some sort of awful cold. Getting better- but my gosh- last thing I remember it was Sunday! I've been knocked out on the couch ever since.

This is LO's first cold too- kinda proud we made it to 8 months with no sickness whatsoever- but with all the viruses circulating and unusually harsh winter we're having, it was only a matter of time.

Hubs got the job! I'm helping him out and we started yesterday, processing and mailing post for a large company. We won't see our first paycheck til the end of February but it's going to be a nice one! Thankful we only have one more month to struggle through before we can start paying everything down and then saving up for a car for me.

That's really all we have going on over here- I know, it's boring. :P It may be a while til I have anything worth sharing but I will let you know ;)

Prayers please

Two things I want to share that could use all the prayers- vibes- thoughts I have right now:
1- A new job situation may have opened up for my husband and me. On top of his full time job and me working at home, he found a part time we may be able to do together from home after my son is asleep at night or on the weekends. I may be able to quit taking custom orders from people for sewing if it works out. Also- we wouldn't have to struggle month to month with medical bills and grocery needs like we do right now. His current full time job isn't enough for three people to live on, so this part time position from home would be a God-send. Fingers crossed!
2- Kind of going off that, I've had health problems for the past 7 years going from one doctor to another. I see a new specialist in a couple of months and could use any thoughts or vibes sent my way that this person can finally help me. It would be nice to have energy and the physical strength to keep up with my son everyday.

We work hard- harder than hard. We both have college degrees, we both have a strong work ethic- it's annoying to me when people assume our situation can be fixed easily. We don't have family to help. With the economy the way it is, it's no wonder most people who are on the edge of bankruptcy are there due to medical bills or unavoidable hospital visits. Just a pet peeve of mine. Especially being young parents who have not had two incomes for ten years before having children- we don't have that cushion to fall back on. For once it would be nice to NOT worry about how we're going to pay for groceries or if we can make the mortgage payment or not.

When must or have to becomes- I do/don't WANT to

We live in an age where people in the modern world have many choices. What to have for breakfast, what to wear- what career to choose, what car to drive, where to go on vacation. #firstworldproblems are every day occurrences. What was once a community of people connected to each other by bonds stronger than wifi, has become one of the most plugged-in and tuned-out communities in the world. Chances are, if you're reading this off a computer or smart phone you know what I'm talking about.

In a culture fueled by entertainment, life isn't so much all about what your father or great grandfather did- the farm you will inherit, the company you will have to run someday, the person you'll have to marry- it's all up to us. What used to be choices made out of necessity are now choices made out of convenience.

I know I talk a lot about staying home with your children during their fundamental years. With all the mommy wars out there, I don't even try to argue 'sides' to anything I do or don't agree with. One thing is irrefutable however, the influence a mother or father can have on a young life- on that child's security and attachment. These are physiological reasons as well as psychological ones. In a world of 'NOW NOW NOW' it's no wonder so little attention is placed upon the people in this world who seem to offer US so little. The elderly, the children. The forgotten margins of society.

It strikes me as odd that people who will spend years and thousands of dollars on a child- fertility treatments or international adoptions even- will have no qualms about handing that precious life over to a total stranger. To mold, to raise. "Be sure to teach Susie how to be kind, how to be patient and how to care for others...... Okay, well- I'm off for the day. See you in about ten hours." Every day of the week?

The elderly are our past and we can learn so much from them- our children are our future- the ones who will be carrying on after we are long gone. And yet so many people are willing to out-source their care out of.... convenience?

Yesterday a working mom I am friends with-working by choice- same kid who got mauled by another child at daycare- she told me the same thing she's mentioned before. "Stay at home moms like you are my heroes." Why? I ask... The answer- her words not mine- "It's exhausting. I don't know how you do it. I'd go crazy if I had to take care of my kid every day, all day."

My heart hurts for this little girl whose mother has no idea what she's doing. Bragging about how the daycare workers do this or do that and it's sooo good for her- and yet.... I can't help but think, feel and know that she is missing out on being a mother. Her experience and bond with her daughter will be different from my bond with my son- granted- because they are different people- but how will this little girl react when she hits her tween stage or teenage years and realizes her mother is a person she barely knows?

I know what I'm saying isn't popular- but there it is. It's their choice. It's their life. It's their child. And yet the other side needs to be talked about. Apparently it's taboo these days to suggest anything that might offend someone else. Isn't it common knowledge that most children can benefit greatly by having structure in their life? Not constantly changing caregivers? Since when does being an adult and being a parent revolve around what you do or don't FEEL like doing? Do they realize how selfish this sounds?

I can't imagine turning to my son and telling him in 10-15 odd years- that I let someone else raise him because I didn't FEEL like the work or the sacrifice it took to stay home and be a full time mom.

Bad Day

It usually takes me a while before I condemn a day as 'bad' or say it's a good day- however today is just so terribly full of poo that I have to say it's a horrible one so far.

My blood sugar's crashed and I can't get it up.
I feel like I'm constantly putting my foot in my mouth because I can't say something- anything- that doesn't seem to get misconstrued or twisted into something I didn't mean.
Feeling friendless. It's been a while since I heard back from anyone.
Taking on a massive sewing undertaking from someone for business and man- if this isn't a tall order on top of all I'm dealing with and going through right now.

Ok- on that last point- I have never before done a commissioned work for someone so picky. True- I will be as honest and open with you as humanly possible if you are paying me to do something- but I will NOT tell you all my tricks and tips and secrets. I'd go out of business. Plain and simple. So yeah, there's the zillion questions.

Then this person wanted a specific piece done for them- ok I quoted them an accurate price on what they initially asked for. THEN they changed their mind and wanted it SUPER specific to the point where I cannot do it by machine at all but am now making this thing by hand because that's the only possible way I can do what they asked. Usually I would price my work a lot higher for a hand sewn and painted work- however I've been in a rough spot since I already quoted the person on something I thought they wanted.

So yeah- there's that. I raised my price to cover the materials for this monster project but I'm still doing the work for less than minimum wage. No more! As soon as this order is done I am not short-changing myself and will be working for at least minimum wage.

I run a small business from home when LO is asleep and it's been tough. But my work is excellent if I do say so myself- and I do say so. I've been working for years perfecting my skills and honey- they ain't easy.

So I guess today is a bad day because I feel like a bumbling fool who can't do anything right and feels like crap because of my malfunctioning pancreas. Desperately trying not to be sour and bitter about everything under the sun as I hike up my big girl panties and do things I really, really, really don't want to do today.

Missing out?

There are a lot of questions a woman (or man) may ask themselves upon deciding to make being a stay at home parent 'work' for them. I say work because I truly believe it's possible if you are fully committed to the idea. I've known many single mother who work during the night and are there for their children during the day. It's not easy but they make it work for them. Not saying it's for everyone, but if your heart is truly willing there is almost always a way. Maybe it's giving up having two cars, eating in vs eating out, budgeting groceries and time spent so if you have to work it can be done around your children.
 I work from home, often at nights or in those rare occasions when my son is napping. I haven't always had a heart for the home, and it's still a struggle for me- subduing the inner feminist lion on a daily basis.

For many, stay at home parenting is a thing of the past, because women HAD to do it then- they had no choice. Well- today many women have the choice and don't take it. By being educated and good at what I do, it was certainly a choice to stay home. Often there is a little voice inside my head telling me all the things I'm missing out on (selfishly) and all the things some people have suggested my son missing out on. Missing out? What's the deal with that notion anyway?

Missing out on being independent from a young age (he's 7 months). Well- sure. If you consider a Lord of the Flies type of atmosphere 'missing out'. As a former nanny it really is so clear for me to tell what children have been in daycare from day one and what children have been taken care of by their parents or other permanent home care providers (grandparents, mainly).

People suggesting on multiple occasions that I do 'what they do in daycare' as if it's something to aspire to. Trust me. I've seen what goes on there. A stay at home parent has to be downright abusive to be worse than the constant switching of caregivers, atmospheres less than desirable and constant wave of illnesses that stem from too many children per caregiver. Even in the United States. Even those 'good' daycares. It saddens me that there are often amazing, caring, talented people working in centers who are simply unable to keep up. If a mom has triplets, she is expected to have some kind of help- and yet the ratio of children to caregivers from 6 weeks on is 1 to 4- children being on the larger side of the scale. I know my views are controversial on this topic but I have a feeling a lot more people would be up in arms over American childcare if they knew how poor it really is even in the best of centers.

There is often such a fallacy both mother and child are missing out on something by committing to the stay at home close relationship that has been in place for thousands of years. Infants are hard-wired to learn from their mommies and daddies, to seek comfort and closeness and security that is your smell and loving embrace. To suggest otherwise, to suggest that this important relationship is second at best to 'socialization' or a mother's 'career goals' is simply astounding to me. My son doesn't need to be part of a baby picking order to assert himself. I don't need to work a high-paying CEO job to find my worth and value in life.

It's inflammatory to suggest to anyone who thinks this is important that staying at home is where a baby does best with their mama. However- you don't have to 'win' anything against these views. Missing out? I don't think so. Maybe their nannies or daycare providers will send them videos of their children accomplishing tasks or learning to walk or talk. Maybe they will be able to live vicariously through another's eyes- the firsts or lasts milestones of their child. But I am there for all of it. The last time they use a pacifier. The last time they WANT to snuggle close to you and fall asleep while you rock them. The first time they crawl or walk and glow with the achievement of their own strength. The tears when they fall down or are sad. The laughter when they are happy.

Fact is, you can schedule 'quality time' all you want- but you need QUANTITY time for that to happen. Maybe I am missing out on all the perks of being a two income family, the cars- the stuff- the vacations. But I would far rather 'miss' these material things than to miss seeing my son's face every single day, discovering something new and learning how to get on in the world with me as a guide.

"Friends" no more

There's no doubt that there are several times in your life you will probably lose friends. One- when you get married. Two-when you have kids. Forget the fair/foul weather adage- big life changes are the surest way to find out who is in it for the long haul and who's hauling ass to get the heck out of there.

There are several people I'm cutting out of my life- it's quite clear they don't care and even after all we've been through and how much I've been there for them. Well- it's all for nothing. Can't say I'm NOT bummed- because I am. I liked them. But that's the way life is at times.

These are the same 'friends' who showed up to my wedding almost-late. Because after months of planning they decided to go to their friends' shotgun wedding held at the same day and planned last minute (within 2 weeks of mine that we had set all year). Same 'friends' who left early (who does that) and brought along their brother- really(?!) who I met once and wasn't invited to the small affair. Same 'friends' who bug me to bring LO out to see THEM over an hr and a half away when I don't take him out much due to flu season and I don't have a car most of the week. Yeah.

As if this isn't bad enough, these people have been less than 15 mins away from me partying somewhere for a friend's birthday and didn't bother to let me know. Yesterday I found out they went to an attraction within five minutes of my house and didn't both to tell me. I mentioned it to them but got ignored. So yeah. End. Kaput. El Fin.

I'm a good friend. It's not often that I talk myself up but I'm speaking truth here. I'm loyal, I'm there for you til the end. If you need anything I'm usually the first to be there. So yeah- it hurts when I make people a priority and they make me an option at best.

Well, no more. I'm hoping to graciously 'fade' out of the picture. Fact is, we'll never get together unless I initiate and make it to see THEM on their time. Life's too short to waste and that's what I feel I've been doing. Wasting time and effort with people who couldn't give two hoots about me or what's going on in my life.

How to be content

Ouch. Ok this post is a toughie for me. It speaks to me as much as it speaks to any of you as readers. I think at some point, everyone reaches that brick wall in life where you're attained what you've hoped you would. The job, the marriage, the family..... you know, those long-term goals you grew up wanting to have one day. When you're starting out, it's exciting and new- over the past five years I've experienced just that. My life was taking off, I was graduating at the top of the dean's list and had such big plans. I went to international auditions and callbacks with the top directors and casting agencies in the nation. Life was exciting, it was crazy and a little bit overwhelming. I was on fire.

Then I decided to take a break from all that, I wanted to have a family and knew I could go back to work in the future- but now- I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to take these early years and slow down and enjoy them with my family.

It's hard giving up goals and dreams. Not forever- just temporarily. I have no regrets.

But I do realize, and I'd be a fool NOT to realize, that once you 'get there' to what you want in life, life just seems to drag. And ultimately, you find yourself asking- "Is that all there is?" And that nasty monster of insecurity and 'what-if' comes creeping up on you and before you know it you're malcontent and gloomy on the outlook of life that once seemed so captivating. The rain pours down and you see your dream as the reality it is now. The dirty diapers, the lack of outside contact with other adults, the quiet.

I'm a depressed person- always have been and probably always will be. I had/have post partum depression right now. But you know what I've found to be true? It doesn't HAVE to be this bad. I'm making it dreary, I'm dragging myself down into the 'woe is me' part of life because things happen to be boring right now. I'm creating my own little bubble of sorrows and sighs.

Well, enough is enough. Depression isn't avoidable-  but why add fuel to the fire of what's already right there? It makes no sense! And so- here are a few things I've done personally to help get over myself and my insecurity in the boring-ness of life as I know it.

1- be thankful. Sounds simple- but really- remind yourself every day of the great treasures you DO have in your life. People, things, a warm place to call home. Being alive.

2- surround yourself with the positive- listen to music you like, books or radio programs that are uplifting to you and your spirit. Cut out the negative energy from people around you that might be pulling you deeper into anxiety or depression. And for God's sake don't stalk people on social media only to be unsatisfied with your life the way it is now!!! Don't compare your every day normal to their 'highlights' chances are, they're only showing what's good and not the bad. If they're showing you the bad, too- then they're probably gloomy gussies and need to get the boot!

3-enjoy the little things. A candy bar, a walk outside, sitting in the sun, going swimming, a warm blanket and hot cup of your favorite drink in the evening. A cuddle with someone you love.

4-avoid the mentality that life is always up ahead. True. It may be different in the future, it may be easier. But life- YOUR life- is happening all around you every moment. You can't plan for 'quality time', you need to make time for any quality time to happen because it happens on its own at any given moment. Learn to slow down. Learn to enjoy today- not always be looking towards tomorrow. That's the easiest way to take your life for granted and end up with nothing in the end. Life isn't up ahead- it's now.

5- there is a balance to introspection- and also looking outward. You need to love yourself to love others. It's ok to 'work' on yourself but don't make that a priority. Also- don't make others such a priority that you forget to take care of yourself! There needs to be a balance there.

I'm sure there's more I could add, but this alone has helped me be more thankful for the time I have every day. When life is less than thrilling. It doesn't have to be exciting to be fabulous.

Sore Subjects

I recently left a facebook group for moms with kids my son's age. There comes a point where- when you're down- there's no point to surround yourself with things and people and talk that simply hurts you all the more. Nothing's ideal when you're going through something like family separation or depression or anxiety. Being mature in handling that means knowing your limits and knowing when I cut off ties that are toxic- however harmless they might seem to anyone else. You're not anyone else- you're YOU and need to be in tune with what is helpful and what might push you over the edge.

A sore subject for me is more children. I nearly lost my son and my life when I had him- my pregnancy was anything but easy and it was surprisingly difficult and left me with more health issues than I care to mention. Bottom line- I may be getting surgery for these issues when others are trying to get pregnant with kiddo number 2. I want more kids. At least I thought I did. Right now it's looking like LO will be a one and only child. I don't know if I can go through another miscarriage and be ok on the other side- and, my husband and I really don't want to risk my well-being on another risky pregnancy. As far as I know we're done with biological kids.

And so I left the group- it just got too hard to keep up with these few ladies who were totally thoughtless and careless.

Another sore subject for me is the post partum group I attend locally. As I mentioned before, very few moms in that group stay home and if they do it's only because they are on maternity leave. It's hard supporting others and being supported by others who honestly have no idea what daily life is like for someone with one income. I don't know what it's like to have two cars or to be able to afford therapy or a psychiatrist. I feel judged often because I simply don't have the means to afford what these people find comes so easy to them since they have greater health benefits, financial means and family to support them.

Although the group can be helpful and I do like a few ladies who attend, I feel like I'm a world away from what their daily reality happens to be. I think a sore spot for me was being there, totally and loyally for a few of them going through a rough time- only to admit our financial hardship and how bad the past month has been for me at our last meeting- and to look around now and find these same people.....where? I have no idea. They're not there for me.

It's disheartening. My greatest support comes from my husband, from my son's need for me as a mother- and from listening to self-help, encouragement books via audio while I go about my lonely day. And blogging. It's refreshing to have a totally-anonymous site to spill out my thoughts every day. I'm so guarded with anyone and everyone else.

It's hard relating to people who cannot relate to you. It's even harder when your values and beliefs are so drastically different that it's difficult to find friends of kindred mindsets.

"Hearing" your child

Bear with me, another mini rant is going to happen here.
The other night I was told by my well-meaning mom friend, another woman with her child in the care of someone else over 50 hours a week, that baby sign language is a good way of teaching them how to communicate with you so you don't get frustrated with them.

I smiled and nodded but was screaming inside. How sad, too.

Every human being is intrinsically born with a way to communicate. Not all verbal- some physical, some emotional. For a primary, parental caregiver like myself, teaching my 7 month old sign language to talk to me seems a bit like training a dolphin to do tricks and my son is no dolphin!

Now sign language may be beneficial if someone in the family HAS a hearing problem, but I can assure you no one in this person's family does and no one in my family or friend circle does either. There is no other reason for it than to make communication easier on YOU by teaching your child a way of telling you something is wrong because heaven-forbid you're around them long enough to understand their facial expressions and different cries.

Lately, little guy has been showing more of the colorful expressions he's always had from birth. If there was ever a child born into the world as stubborn as could be, it would be my son. He's never had a problem telling us exactly what he likes and doesn't like.

Have we become so out of touch with our own children that we no longer 'hear' them when we hear them?

I don't NEED sign language to tell me when my son is upset or when he's happy.

And I'd love to tell all the part-time parents just that. It's NOT normal to not understand a baby's cry for physical comfort. Maybe our society is wholly plugged-in and tuned-out to the basic needs and desires of the children.

Then again, that's what happens in a world where we de-value the elderly and the young alike.

PPD and Privilege

Post partum depression and privilege- something that's been my every day life for quite a while now. I suffered with extreme pre-natal depression through the end of my pregnancy with my son- now, 7 months after he was born- I still struggle with PPD. It's a beast, all too-common and yet no one really talks about it in mom-circles. It's surprising how many women have had it but are always too afraid to bring it up in polite conversation because it's taboo.

No one wants to talk about what is affecting so many women today- because it's not acceptable for our society to believe motherhood is anything but the bliss the crackhead, crazy mothers out there pretend it to be. It simply isn't all that.

I love motherhood, I love my son, I HATE the depression, anxiety and outrageous hormones that have made the past year a living hell for me. It's been a real struggle with doctors, finding the right medication and making sure I'm self-aware of how I'm doing on a given day so as not to put myself or my son in danger of the crazy.

7 months out, I worry if I'll get better. I know I will, intrinsically- but emotionally it's been so long since I felt okay on a daily basis.

That's where the privilege comes in.

All I am able to do to cope with PPD is to go to a support group and take medication my general doctor prescribes. I've looked into therapy, into seeing a psychiatrist- nothing doing. Recently my anti-anxiety medication went up to $20 a month and now we have to budget for that since we don't even have that per month.

At the support group there are a few stay at home moms, a few people who either know what it's like to be a stay at home mom or are staying home now. It's hard. It throws a whole new curve ball into PPD when you're the sole caretaker for a baby.

It's my experience that PPD is a luxury. It's not made-up, but it IS a luxury in that those who have it but also have greater funds can make it go away faster than those unable to receive mental help. I'm in the latter category. When you can afford a therapist, psychiatrist and the proper medication you can get better faster. So pardon me if I feel a bit hopeless at times. I know I'll get through this but it's hard when many moms who have had it don't understand or have never been where I am right now.

I admit there is bitterness in my heart towards that. Towards people for whom PPD is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to them. To me it's icing on the crap cake of my life. Just another bump in the road of unfortunate events.

Disturbing

I'm often taken aback by the attitude of many of the parents I know who have their child in full-time daycare. I know this is or should not be the average parent- but it irks me. And so I blog. ;)

I was astounded recently by a friend who picked up her precious 6 month old from daycare and brushing off the fact that even her daycare providers were concerned on the mom's reaction. Another child had clawed her baby's face leaving noticeable marks. I know this probably happens a lot. Baby nails are lethal weapons, believe you me. But still- I was shocked inwardly by how the mom brushed it off and said it makes her kid look 'tough'. Really? Um ok. It's ok to be relaxed about parenting but just the thought of another child hurting my son makes me cringe. I'd understand if it happened on a playdate- shit happens- but I saw this kid in person and if she were my daughter I'd be livid with the harm doen to her on someone else's watch.

Another point- another mom's reaction to this- while most laughed and thought it 'funny' this one mom took it farther and mentioned that her 2 yr old son was in daycare from day one and often came home with bite marks. And she can laugh about it?!

I don't get it. I just don't. As a mom I can't comprehend what a lot of people perceive as 'normal' things to happen to their babies.

I realize I'm probably overprotective with LO, but there's a time when he'll fall and hurt himself or get into a play-related accident with a friend- and we'll clean him up and hug him and send him on his merry way. He'll be older than he is now. Maybe that's what disturbs me. These aren't kids old enough to talk, to tell their mom or dad what happened. These are babies. Unable to walk, barely sit and unable to fend for themselves. Why is this a laughing matter again? I'm pretty good at reading people's humor and getting jokes- but I assure you, this was no joke. To these parents it was the hilarious misfortune of life that they assumed we as mothers were all familiar with. :/

I realize I'm drastically different from the 'norm' here. I don't work full time, I don't use daycare for LO. In fact, I'm antsy even thinking about leaving him with someone I barely know for hours on end without me nearby. He's my baby- no one can care for him the way I do because no one loves him the way I do. As a former nanny I know this.

EDIT: I was thinking about this more and had to mention- the person with the kid who got their face clawed at?? Yeah- she said she was 'relieved' to have someone else take care of her kid full time. Why? Because she had no idea how to and relied on the workers to make sure her kid is raised well. Um- sorry- but isn't that the parent's job???

NOTE: the future posts may be offensive to some- but that is not my intention. This is simply me- saying what's on my mind and from my point of view and understanding. I know there are parents who use daycare, in other countries it's probably a far cry from the baby-farms we have here. This is my experience. I shudder to think I live in an area and a situation where this is normal, I don't mean to be pretentious. I'm honestly just taken aback by the lack of concern many parents have due to the early (6 weeks or less in some cases) separation from their infant. I do think America's limited maternity leave contributes greatly to many mother's lack of connection to the pain or fear their babies must feel when harm comes to them and she is not around. I feel there is simply no replacement for a (good) mother's love for her child.