Missing out?

There are a lot of questions a woman (or man) may ask themselves upon deciding to make being a stay at home parent 'work' for them. I say work because I truly believe it's possible if you are fully committed to the idea. I've known many single mother who work during the night and are there for their children during the day. It's not easy but they make it work for them. Not saying it's for everyone, but if your heart is truly willing there is almost always a way. Maybe it's giving up having two cars, eating in vs eating out, budgeting groceries and time spent so if you have to work it can be done around your children.
 I work from home, often at nights or in those rare occasions when my son is napping. I haven't always had a heart for the home, and it's still a struggle for me- subduing the inner feminist lion on a daily basis.

For many, stay at home parenting is a thing of the past, because women HAD to do it then- they had no choice. Well- today many women have the choice and don't take it. By being educated and good at what I do, it was certainly a choice to stay home. Often there is a little voice inside my head telling me all the things I'm missing out on (selfishly) and all the things some people have suggested my son missing out on. Missing out? What's the deal with that notion anyway?

Missing out on being independent from a young age (he's 7 months). Well- sure. If you consider a Lord of the Flies type of atmosphere 'missing out'. As a former nanny it really is so clear for me to tell what children have been in daycare from day one and what children have been taken care of by their parents or other permanent home care providers (grandparents, mainly).

People suggesting on multiple occasions that I do 'what they do in daycare' as if it's something to aspire to. Trust me. I've seen what goes on there. A stay at home parent has to be downright abusive to be worse than the constant switching of caregivers, atmospheres less than desirable and constant wave of illnesses that stem from too many children per caregiver. Even in the United States. Even those 'good' daycares. It saddens me that there are often amazing, caring, talented people working in centers who are simply unable to keep up. If a mom has triplets, she is expected to have some kind of help- and yet the ratio of children to caregivers from 6 weeks on is 1 to 4- children being on the larger side of the scale. I know my views are controversial on this topic but I have a feeling a lot more people would be up in arms over American childcare if they knew how poor it really is even in the best of centers.

There is often such a fallacy both mother and child are missing out on something by committing to the stay at home close relationship that has been in place for thousands of years. Infants are hard-wired to learn from their mommies and daddies, to seek comfort and closeness and security that is your smell and loving embrace. To suggest otherwise, to suggest that this important relationship is second at best to 'socialization' or a mother's 'career goals' is simply astounding to me. My son doesn't need to be part of a baby picking order to assert himself. I don't need to work a high-paying CEO job to find my worth and value in life.

It's inflammatory to suggest to anyone who thinks this is important that staying at home is where a baby does best with their mama. However- you don't have to 'win' anything against these views. Missing out? I don't think so. Maybe their nannies or daycare providers will send them videos of their children accomplishing tasks or learning to walk or talk. Maybe they will be able to live vicariously through another's eyes- the firsts or lasts milestones of their child. But I am there for all of it. The last time they use a pacifier. The last time they WANT to snuggle close to you and fall asleep while you rock them. The first time they crawl or walk and glow with the achievement of their own strength. The tears when they fall down or are sad. The laughter when they are happy.

Fact is, you can schedule 'quality time' all you want- but you need QUANTITY time for that to happen. Maybe I am missing out on all the perks of being a two income family, the cars- the stuff- the vacations. But I would far rather 'miss' these material things than to miss seeing my son's face every single day, discovering something new and learning how to get on in the world with me as a guide.