Post partum depression and privilege- something that's been my every day life for quite a while now. I suffered with extreme pre-natal depression through the end of my pregnancy with my son- now, 7 months after he was born- I still struggle with PPD. It's a beast, all too-common and yet no one really talks about it in mom-circles. It's surprising how many women have had it but are always too afraid to bring it up in polite conversation because it's taboo.
No one wants to talk about what is affecting so many women today- because it's not acceptable for our society to believe motherhood is anything but the bliss the crackhead, crazy mothers out there pretend it to be. It simply isn't all that.
I love motherhood, I love my son, I HATE the depression, anxiety and outrageous hormones that have made the past year a living hell for me. It's been a real struggle with doctors, finding the right medication and making sure I'm self-aware of how I'm doing on a given day so as not to put myself or my son in danger of the crazy.
7 months out, I worry if I'll get better. I know I will, intrinsically- but emotionally it's been so long since I felt okay on a daily basis.
That's where the privilege comes in.
All I am able to do to cope with PPD is to go to a support group and take medication my general doctor prescribes. I've looked into therapy, into seeing a psychiatrist- nothing doing. Recently my anti-anxiety medication went up to $20 a month and now we have to budget for that since we don't even have that per month.
At the support group there are a few stay at home moms, a few people who either know what it's like to be a stay at home mom or are staying home now. It's hard. It throws a whole new curve ball into PPD when you're the sole caretaker for a baby.
It's my experience that PPD is a luxury. It's not made-up, but it IS a luxury in that those who have it but also have greater funds can make it go away faster than those unable to receive mental help. I'm in the latter category. When you can afford a therapist, psychiatrist and the proper medication you can get better faster. So pardon me if I feel a bit hopeless at times. I know I'll get through this but it's hard when many moms who have had it don't understand or have never been where I am right now.
I admit there is bitterness in my heart towards that. Towards people for whom PPD is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to them. To me it's icing on the crap cake of my life. Just another bump in the road of unfortunate events.
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