Plague 2014

Humor me while I am overly dramatic on this post ;) I haven't posted much lately because all three of us have come down with some sort of awful cold. Getting better- but my gosh- last thing I remember it was Sunday! I've been knocked out on the couch ever since.

This is LO's first cold too- kinda proud we made it to 8 months with no sickness whatsoever- but with all the viruses circulating and unusually harsh winter we're having, it was only a matter of time.

Hubs got the job! I'm helping him out and we started yesterday, processing and mailing post for a large company. We won't see our first paycheck til the end of February but it's going to be a nice one! Thankful we only have one more month to struggle through before we can start paying everything down and then saving up for a car for me.

That's really all we have going on over here- I know, it's boring. :P It may be a while til I have anything worth sharing but I will let you know ;)

Prayers please

Two things I want to share that could use all the prayers- vibes- thoughts I have right now:
1- A new job situation may have opened up for my husband and me. On top of his full time job and me working at home, he found a part time we may be able to do together from home after my son is asleep at night or on the weekends. I may be able to quit taking custom orders from people for sewing if it works out. Also- we wouldn't have to struggle month to month with medical bills and grocery needs like we do right now. His current full time job isn't enough for three people to live on, so this part time position from home would be a God-send. Fingers crossed!
2- Kind of going off that, I've had health problems for the past 7 years going from one doctor to another. I see a new specialist in a couple of months and could use any thoughts or vibes sent my way that this person can finally help me. It would be nice to have energy and the physical strength to keep up with my son everyday.

We work hard- harder than hard. We both have college degrees, we both have a strong work ethic- it's annoying to me when people assume our situation can be fixed easily. We don't have family to help. With the economy the way it is, it's no wonder most people who are on the edge of bankruptcy are there due to medical bills or unavoidable hospital visits. Just a pet peeve of mine. Especially being young parents who have not had two incomes for ten years before having children- we don't have that cushion to fall back on. For once it would be nice to NOT worry about how we're going to pay for groceries or if we can make the mortgage payment or not.

When must or have to becomes- I do/don't WANT to

We live in an age where people in the modern world have many choices. What to have for breakfast, what to wear- what career to choose, what car to drive, where to go on vacation. #firstworldproblems are every day occurrences. What was once a community of people connected to each other by bonds stronger than wifi, has become one of the most plugged-in and tuned-out communities in the world. Chances are, if you're reading this off a computer or smart phone you know what I'm talking about.

In a culture fueled by entertainment, life isn't so much all about what your father or great grandfather did- the farm you will inherit, the company you will have to run someday, the person you'll have to marry- it's all up to us. What used to be choices made out of necessity are now choices made out of convenience.

I know I talk a lot about staying home with your children during their fundamental years. With all the mommy wars out there, I don't even try to argue 'sides' to anything I do or don't agree with. One thing is irrefutable however, the influence a mother or father can have on a young life- on that child's security and attachment. These are physiological reasons as well as psychological ones. In a world of 'NOW NOW NOW' it's no wonder so little attention is placed upon the people in this world who seem to offer US so little. The elderly, the children. The forgotten margins of society.

It strikes me as odd that people who will spend years and thousands of dollars on a child- fertility treatments or international adoptions even- will have no qualms about handing that precious life over to a total stranger. To mold, to raise. "Be sure to teach Susie how to be kind, how to be patient and how to care for others...... Okay, well- I'm off for the day. See you in about ten hours." Every day of the week?

The elderly are our past and we can learn so much from them- our children are our future- the ones who will be carrying on after we are long gone. And yet so many people are willing to out-source their care out of.... convenience?

Yesterday a working mom I am friends with-working by choice- same kid who got mauled by another child at daycare- she told me the same thing she's mentioned before. "Stay at home moms like you are my heroes." Why? I ask... The answer- her words not mine- "It's exhausting. I don't know how you do it. I'd go crazy if I had to take care of my kid every day, all day."

My heart hurts for this little girl whose mother has no idea what she's doing. Bragging about how the daycare workers do this or do that and it's sooo good for her- and yet.... I can't help but think, feel and know that she is missing out on being a mother. Her experience and bond with her daughter will be different from my bond with my son- granted- because they are different people- but how will this little girl react when she hits her tween stage or teenage years and realizes her mother is a person she barely knows?

I know what I'm saying isn't popular- but there it is. It's their choice. It's their life. It's their child. And yet the other side needs to be talked about. Apparently it's taboo these days to suggest anything that might offend someone else. Isn't it common knowledge that most children can benefit greatly by having structure in their life? Not constantly changing caregivers? Since when does being an adult and being a parent revolve around what you do or don't FEEL like doing? Do they realize how selfish this sounds?

I can't imagine turning to my son and telling him in 10-15 odd years- that I let someone else raise him because I didn't FEEL like the work or the sacrifice it took to stay home and be a full time mom.

Bad Day

It usually takes me a while before I condemn a day as 'bad' or say it's a good day- however today is just so terribly full of poo that I have to say it's a horrible one so far.

My blood sugar's crashed and I can't get it up.
I feel like I'm constantly putting my foot in my mouth because I can't say something- anything- that doesn't seem to get misconstrued or twisted into something I didn't mean.
Feeling friendless. It's been a while since I heard back from anyone.
Taking on a massive sewing undertaking from someone for business and man- if this isn't a tall order on top of all I'm dealing with and going through right now.

Ok- on that last point- I have never before done a commissioned work for someone so picky. True- I will be as honest and open with you as humanly possible if you are paying me to do something- but I will NOT tell you all my tricks and tips and secrets. I'd go out of business. Plain and simple. So yeah, there's the zillion questions.

Then this person wanted a specific piece done for them- ok I quoted them an accurate price on what they initially asked for. THEN they changed their mind and wanted it SUPER specific to the point where I cannot do it by machine at all but am now making this thing by hand because that's the only possible way I can do what they asked. Usually I would price my work a lot higher for a hand sewn and painted work- however I've been in a rough spot since I already quoted the person on something I thought they wanted.

So yeah- there's that. I raised my price to cover the materials for this monster project but I'm still doing the work for less than minimum wage. No more! As soon as this order is done I am not short-changing myself and will be working for at least minimum wage.

I run a small business from home when LO is asleep and it's been tough. But my work is excellent if I do say so myself- and I do say so. I've been working for years perfecting my skills and honey- they ain't easy.

So I guess today is a bad day because I feel like a bumbling fool who can't do anything right and feels like crap because of my malfunctioning pancreas. Desperately trying not to be sour and bitter about everything under the sun as I hike up my big girl panties and do things I really, really, really don't want to do today.

Missing out?

There are a lot of questions a woman (or man) may ask themselves upon deciding to make being a stay at home parent 'work' for them. I say work because I truly believe it's possible if you are fully committed to the idea. I've known many single mother who work during the night and are there for their children during the day. It's not easy but they make it work for them. Not saying it's for everyone, but if your heart is truly willing there is almost always a way. Maybe it's giving up having two cars, eating in vs eating out, budgeting groceries and time spent so if you have to work it can be done around your children.
 I work from home, often at nights or in those rare occasions when my son is napping. I haven't always had a heart for the home, and it's still a struggle for me- subduing the inner feminist lion on a daily basis.

For many, stay at home parenting is a thing of the past, because women HAD to do it then- they had no choice. Well- today many women have the choice and don't take it. By being educated and good at what I do, it was certainly a choice to stay home. Often there is a little voice inside my head telling me all the things I'm missing out on (selfishly) and all the things some people have suggested my son missing out on. Missing out? What's the deal with that notion anyway?

Missing out on being independent from a young age (he's 7 months). Well- sure. If you consider a Lord of the Flies type of atmosphere 'missing out'. As a former nanny it really is so clear for me to tell what children have been in daycare from day one and what children have been taken care of by their parents or other permanent home care providers (grandparents, mainly).

People suggesting on multiple occasions that I do 'what they do in daycare' as if it's something to aspire to. Trust me. I've seen what goes on there. A stay at home parent has to be downright abusive to be worse than the constant switching of caregivers, atmospheres less than desirable and constant wave of illnesses that stem from too many children per caregiver. Even in the United States. Even those 'good' daycares. It saddens me that there are often amazing, caring, talented people working in centers who are simply unable to keep up. If a mom has triplets, she is expected to have some kind of help- and yet the ratio of children to caregivers from 6 weeks on is 1 to 4- children being on the larger side of the scale. I know my views are controversial on this topic but I have a feeling a lot more people would be up in arms over American childcare if they knew how poor it really is even in the best of centers.

There is often such a fallacy both mother and child are missing out on something by committing to the stay at home close relationship that has been in place for thousands of years. Infants are hard-wired to learn from their mommies and daddies, to seek comfort and closeness and security that is your smell and loving embrace. To suggest otherwise, to suggest that this important relationship is second at best to 'socialization' or a mother's 'career goals' is simply astounding to me. My son doesn't need to be part of a baby picking order to assert himself. I don't need to work a high-paying CEO job to find my worth and value in life.

It's inflammatory to suggest to anyone who thinks this is important that staying at home is where a baby does best with their mama. However- you don't have to 'win' anything against these views. Missing out? I don't think so. Maybe their nannies or daycare providers will send them videos of their children accomplishing tasks or learning to walk or talk. Maybe they will be able to live vicariously through another's eyes- the firsts or lasts milestones of their child. But I am there for all of it. The last time they use a pacifier. The last time they WANT to snuggle close to you and fall asleep while you rock them. The first time they crawl or walk and glow with the achievement of their own strength. The tears when they fall down or are sad. The laughter when they are happy.

Fact is, you can schedule 'quality time' all you want- but you need QUANTITY time for that to happen. Maybe I am missing out on all the perks of being a two income family, the cars- the stuff- the vacations. But I would far rather 'miss' these material things than to miss seeing my son's face every single day, discovering something new and learning how to get on in the world with me as a guide.

"Friends" no more

There's no doubt that there are several times in your life you will probably lose friends. One- when you get married. Two-when you have kids. Forget the fair/foul weather adage- big life changes are the surest way to find out who is in it for the long haul and who's hauling ass to get the heck out of there.

There are several people I'm cutting out of my life- it's quite clear they don't care and even after all we've been through and how much I've been there for them. Well- it's all for nothing. Can't say I'm NOT bummed- because I am. I liked them. But that's the way life is at times.

These are the same 'friends' who showed up to my wedding almost-late. Because after months of planning they decided to go to their friends' shotgun wedding held at the same day and planned last minute (within 2 weeks of mine that we had set all year). Same 'friends' who left early (who does that) and brought along their brother- really(?!) who I met once and wasn't invited to the small affair. Same 'friends' who bug me to bring LO out to see THEM over an hr and a half away when I don't take him out much due to flu season and I don't have a car most of the week. Yeah.

As if this isn't bad enough, these people have been less than 15 mins away from me partying somewhere for a friend's birthday and didn't bother to let me know. Yesterday I found out they went to an attraction within five minutes of my house and didn't both to tell me. I mentioned it to them but got ignored. So yeah. End. Kaput. El Fin.

I'm a good friend. It's not often that I talk myself up but I'm speaking truth here. I'm loyal, I'm there for you til the end. If you need anything I'm usually the first to be there. So yeah- it hurts when I make people a priority and they make me an option at best.

Well, no more. I'm hoping to graciously 'fade' out of the picture. Fact is, we'll never get together unless I initiate and make it to see THEM on their time. Life's too short to waste and that's what I feel I've been doing. Wasting time and effort with people who couldn't give two hoots about me or what's going on in my life.

How to be content

Ouch. Ok this post is a toughie for me. It speaks to me as much as it speaks to any of you as readers. I think at some point, everyone reaches that brick wall in life where you're attained what you've hoped you would. The job, the marriage, the family..... you know, those long-term goals you grew up wanting to have one day. When you're starting out, it's exciting and new- over the past five years I've experienced just that. My life was taking off, I was graduating at the top of the dean's list and had such big plans. I went to international auditions and callbacks with the top directors and casting agencies in the nation. Life was exciting, it was crazy and a little bit overwhelming. I was on fire.

Then I decided to take a break from all that, I wanted to have a family and knew I could go back to work in the future- but now- I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to take these early years and slow down and enjoy them with my family.

It's hard giving up goals and dreams. Not forever- just temporarily. I have no regrets.

But I do realize, and I'd be a fool NOT to realize, that once you 'get there' to what you want in life, life just seems to drag. And ultimately, you find yourself asking- "Is that all there is?" And that nasty monster of insecurity and 'what-if' comes creeping up on you and before you know it you're malcontent and gloomy on the outlook of life that once seemed so captivating. The rain pours down and you see your dream as the reality it is now. The dirty diapers, the lack of outside contact with other adults, the quiet.

I'm a depressed person- always have been and probably always will be. I had/have post partum depression right now. But you know what I've found to be true? It doesn't HAVE to be this bad. I'm making it dreary, I'm dragging myself down into the 'woe is me' part of life because things happen to be boring right now. I'm creating my own little bubble of sorrows and sighs.

Well, enough is enough. Depression isn't avoidable-  but why add fuel to the fire of what's already right there? It makes no sense! And so- here are a few things I've done personally to help get over myself and my insecurity in the boring-ness of life as I know it.

1- be thankful. Sounds simple- but really- remind yourself every day of the great treasures you DO have in your life. People, things, a warm place to call home. Being alive.

2- surround yourself with the positive- listen to music you like, books or radio programs that are uplifting to you and your spirit. Cut out the negative energy from people around you that might be pulling you deeper into anxiety or depression. And for God's sake don't stalk people on social media only to be unsatisfied with your life the way it is now!!! Don't compare your every day normal to their 'highlights' chances are, they're only showing what's good and not the bad. If they're showing you the bad, too- then they're probably gloomy gussies and need to get the boot!

3-enjoy the little things. A candy bar, a walk outside, sitting in the sun, going swimming, a warm blanket and hot cup of your favorite drink in the evening. A cuddle with someone you love.

4-avoid the mentality that life is always up ahead. True. It may be different in the future, it may be easier. But life- YOUR life- is happening all around you every moment. You can't plan for 'quality time', you need to make time for any quality time to happen because it happens on its own at any given moment. Learn to slow down. Learn to enjoy today- not always be looking towards tomorrow. That's the easiest way to take your life for granted and end up with nothing in the end. Life isn't up ahead- it's now.

5- there is a balance to introspection- and also looking outward. You need to love yourself to love others. It's ok to 'work' on yourself but don't make that a priority. Also- don't make others such a priority that you forget to take care of yourself! There needs to be a balance there.

I'm sure there's more I could add, but this alone has helped me be more thankful for the time I have every day. When life is less than thrilling. It doesn't have to be exciting to be fabulous.