Disturbing

I'm often taken aback by the attitude of many of the parents I know who have their child in full-time daycare. I know this is or should not be the average parent- but it irks me. And so I blog. ;)

I was astounded recently by a friend who picked up her precious 6 month old from daycare and brushing off the fact that even her daycare providers were concerned on the mom's reaction. Another child had clawed her baby's face leaving noticeable marks. I know this probably happens a lot. Baby nails are lethal weapons, believe you me. But still- I was shocked inwardly by how the mom brushed it off and said it makes her kid look 'tough'. Really? Um ok. It's ok to be relaxed about parenting but just the thought of another child hurting my son makes me cringe. I'd understand if it happened on a playdate- shit happens- but I saw this kid in person and if she were my daughter I'd be livid with the harm doen to her on someone else's watch.

Another point- another mom's reaction to this- while most laughed and thought it 'funny' this one mom took it farther and mentioned that her 2 yr old son was in daycare from day one and often came home with bite marks. And she can laugh about it?!

I don't get it. I just don't. As a mom I can't comprehend what a lot of people perceive as 'normal' things to happen to their babies.

I realize I'm probably overprotective with LO, but there's a time when he'll fall and hurt himself or get into a play-related accident with a friend- and we'll clean him up and hug him and send him on his merry way. He'll be older than he is now. Maybe that's what disturbs me. These aren't kids old enough to talk, to tell their mom or dad what happened. These are babies. Unable to walk, barely sit and unable to fend for themselves. Why is this a laughing matter again? I'm pretty good at reading people's humor and getting jokes- but I assure you, this was no joke. To these parents it was the hilarious misfortune of life that they assumed we as mothers were all familiar with. :/

I realize I'm drastically different from the 'norm' here. I don't work full time, I don't use daycare for LO. In fact, I'm antsy even thinking about leaving him with someone I barely know for hours on end without me nearby. He's my baby- no one can care for him the way I do because no one loves him the way I do. As a former nanny I know this.

EDIT: I was thinking about this more and had to mention- the person with the kid who got their face clawed at?? Yeah- she said she was 'relieved' to have someone else take care of her kid full time. Why? Because she had no idea how to and relied on the workers to make sure her kid is raised well. Um- sorry- but isn't that the parent's job???

NOTE: the future posts may be offensive to some- but that is not my intention. This is simply me- saying what's on my mind and from my point of view and understanding. I know there are parents who use daycare, in other countries it's probably a far cry from the baby-farms we have here. This is my experience. I shudder to think I live in an area and a situation where this is normal, I don't mean to be pretentious. I'm honestly just taken aback by the lack of concern many parents have due to the early (6 weeks or less in some cases) separation from their infant. I do think America's limited maternity leave contributes greatly to many mother's lack of connection to the pain or fear their babies must feel when harm comes to them and she is not around. I feel there is simply no replacement for a (good) mother's love for her child.

If you put a 'just' in front of what I do.... I might slap you.

I hate that. "Just" a mom. Come on. Really?!

I often feel like life's just going on without me, leaving me behind in the dust of baby diapers and drool. I have a degree. I'm talented. I'm a hard worker- but right now I'm 'just' a mom.

Usually there are two reactions to my answer to the question 'what do you do?'

1- Oh, I could never do that. I'd go crazy!
 or
2- What do you do all day?

Very rarely I'll hear a third reply that throws me for a loop.
"Awesome. I did that for a few years, best time of my life."

As a stay at home parent you don't expect to hear those words.
I'm a closeted stay at home mom lol. I whisper it to people and keep it hush hush because, really- who wants the drama?

I hate the phrase 'just' a mom. And yet I find myself using it a lot, too. As if being the number one support and caretaker of another human being is some job to be ashamed of. :/ Our society on the whole doesn't value children or mothers. If you look at the news, we aren't on it. In a world where celebrity gossip tops Nobel prize-winners, it's no wonder stay at home parents aren't on the top of anyone's priorities.

We're invisible. The dads who do it all while their wives are away, the moms who take on days at a time when their husbands are on military leave. It's hard. It's thankless. It's not a JOB- if it were, there would be pay.

Being a parent is hard. Period. I'm not saying working parents aren't lovely as well, they are.... but I am saying kudos to the parents who make it work. Who are able to cut down everything to take on one of the toughest responsibilities out there. Shaping the future for little minds and hearts to be better people to come. Nothing 'just' about it.

Thoughts from a semi-delusional mom

I've attempted to write something for this page before since the birth of dear little one- but alas- something undoubtedly pops up and I remain unable to finish the post. Not so today!
 Forgive my ramblings as it's been a trying two years- ok- who am I kidding? A trying LIFE. I honestly thought I took a sleeping pill due to my exhaustion a few minutes ago but then realized- nope- it's just me. I'm that tired from a normal 14 hr day with my son lol.

Things I wasn't prepared for-
feeling like utter crap for months. Seriously. It took me a very long time to recover from childbirth and I'm still recovering.  My body has gone through hell and back and boy do I feel like a 90 yr old most days.

The post partum depression. Whoopee. Not baby blues but full-on, I-hate-myself depression hitting hard and so bad that I am thoroughly medicated since month one or two after my son was born.

I didn't expect the kind of parent I would be, I had no thoughts on this during pregnancy but now I am surprised with how middle-ground I've been. I stay at home and am a full advocate for a mommy being home with her baby if at all possible. It hasn't been easy but we've managed it so that I am able to do this. It's a sacrifice on so many levels but both DH and I wouldn't have it any other way.

That being said, I am a full, nurturing, loving mama who isn't so completely organic that I have to cloth diaper my kid. I'm a middle ground mom. I am not a lactivist, proponent of baby led- well- anything. I am comfortable making choices and decisions for my son because I am his mother and I feel he needs me to be his mother in this way as he's a vulnerable infant. I certainly don't let him make the choices. But I do everything in love, in caring, in kindness. If you've seen or heard of half the crazy, whole food moms I've run into- my God I'm a horrible mother ;) I parent how my pediatrician approves and really am not that into hippie parenting. I'm into convenience and cleanliness. Whatever works for us is fantastic.

I wasn't prepared for the mommyshaming. Both of myself from absolute bitchy moms and of my own family who continues to throw down insults and harsh remarks. I'm probably not making much sense here, but my point is- it's HARD to develop a life and lifestyle for your family coming from two very dysfunctional homes. God. We both have no idea what normal is.

One thing is clear.
Life as I know it has changed forever.
The future is no longer made up of grand moments and years and huge achievements. My world is seen through the eyes of a drooling, gurgling 7 month old. In moments rather than days. In memories over time spent punching the clock. And in the end the things I thought used to matter to me really don't matter at all. I'm a good mom. A great mom. In spite of all the horrible people who have told me I would be a horrible mother, I've proved them all wrong. And that's good enough for me.  

30-something week update

I'm 33 and a half weeks (nearly) today. I haven't been doing well- at all. I'm definitely feeling the end of pregnancy hitting hard. No energy- crazy outlandish hormones- nausea (great)- edema making it painful to walk- leaking breasts and oh yes- the whole nine yards of not being able to sleep at night.

I've had Braxton Hicks contractions (quite normal) up til last weekend. It's now been over a week since these cramps have changed to hard and heavy contractions- stop and go labor that I've found is known as prodromal labor. Stop and start 'real labor' pain that can be as violent as one minute long contractions every five minutes for an hour- and then it stops. Just when I may be thinking it's time to go into the hospital- it stops. Maddening. These contractions keep me up at night, steal my energy during the day and make it pretty much impossible at times for me to go about my daily life.

My doctor is not concerned. But my mom-sense is flaring up. I was rushed to the hospital a week ago today for what I thought was my water breaking. No one had answers but I did have an infection and was put on antibiotics, given an IV and was told to go home. It's 'normal'. Maybe. But not for most women. The thing with stop and start labor is- yes it's false labor- yes it's slightly different than Braxton Hicks- BUT most doctors don't consider it an issue because the progress it makes to ready your body for birth can be really slow- or really fast depending on how long you've had this pre-labor.

And so- I'm ready to pull my hair out. Kill someone with my bare hands. If I wasn't pregnant I'd be drinking and smoking all day to cope with the pain (oh they don't give you pain meds- didn't I tell you? :P ) Baths don't help. Drinking loads of water doesn't help. Lying down with my feet elevated doesn't help. It really doesn't help.

I'm hoping to have the baby at the end of this month or super early next month (when I officially hit full term at 36/37 weeks). Sometimes I cry out of pure frustration that in some doctor's minds I have the full 6 weeks to go until week 40 or my baby will be born with horrid health problems. (he won't be) I was a preemie and so was my sister (36 and 34 weeks respectively) and we were FINE. this was way back when, too. I can imagine modern medicine is a far cry better than it was in the 80's. No oxygen, nothing. We were absolutely find and able to go home in just the two day period for full term babies.

It's hard when mom-instinct clashes with the cold cut case study doctors you meet. I'm seeing an entire practice so I hope this next appointment is reassuring and maybe provides some answers. Every pregnancy is NOT the same and if I say I'm in extreme pain- well buddy- I probably AM. If this really is normal I pray for a swift delivery as soon as the baby is ready to be born without complications.

Confessions of a real mom

In all areas of life, especially the socially-exposed areas of life- there is a drive to be perfect. Above reproach. A wow-look-at-her kind of woman. To be a wonder woman and a wonder mom in this day and age is no easy feat- nor is it a cheap one. And so here is my rebuttal to the theory of the perfect mom- to the notion that perfection must be reached before one even becomes a mother (I'm not joking here).

BEFORE getting pregnant there is now an extreme push to know exactly when you will get pregnant. Some woman family plan years in advance with a healthy diet regime to make them prime baby-makers. Prenatals are started months or even years before conception. Trying to conceive or TTC as it is commonly known among the interwebs is no longer a matter of baby making. It has a formula. With ovulation charts, basal body temperature readings and a strict method of tracking ovulation- some women begin the TTC process months or even years prior to conception. Maybe with older women having children or holding off on children, the science side of baby making is now the suggested formula of getting pregnant. Granted some women may be planners and may WANT to do it this way but apart from general health screenings there used to be nothing in the way of a healthy woman to simply stop birth control and get pregnant. This is no longer the norm. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing infertility- however I am talking about these methods applied to the average woman with no known issues conceiving. It seems more and more moms to be are jumping on the fertility tracking wagon and throwing chance to the wind in an attempt to be perfect and even conceive and give birth by a certain date.

THEN- there is pregnancy itself. The sanctimommies of the STFU parenting world (another blog I love!) who constantly remind pregnant first time moms of what is and what is not safe. Many woman now avoid makeup, acne care, canned foods and even some meats in an attempt to reduce the risk of- well, basically anything. Proven or not to be health issues. With so much of this careful no-no planning going on in pregnancy it's a wonder so many people announce publicly so early! I am always shocked when I see a pee stick on my newsfeed. When people around 6 weeks announce to the world with little to no consideration of what could happen in that crucial time up to 12 weeks where miscarriage is still an unknown risk for multiple reasons.

And how do you tell the sanctimommies apart from the real moms? Well- don't worry- they'll tell you. Ever wonder who's going all natural or planning on cloth diapering or worse- potty training their baby by carrying around a rubbermaid container for them to expel their bodily fluids in- well- wonder no more! Again, they'll tell you. And try to convert you over to the dark side.

I have not gotten to the AFTER birth part of mommyhood yet but I'm sure I'll have stories from beyond once I do. (beyond reason! haha)

Here are some confessions from a bad mom- a real mom IMO (me, mainly)

- I've had lunch meat, cheese foods, canned items and caffeine (a cup of tea or coffee if I'm really crazy)
- Sometimes, instead of walk on a cloud of motherhood expectations, I'll fantasize about what drinks I'm going to have after the baby and I no longer share a bloodstream.
- I do not keep a pregnancy journal. Frankly there are no memories I'd like to remember. It's been hurling hell since day one and some days I have nothing positive to say at all besides complain about the parasite inside me making me feel like hell.
-I laugh at those first time moms planning a natural birth to a tee- sorry- to each their own. But I laugh at some of the details. 'the lights must be dim' 'there must be a certain kind of instrument playing in the background' 'no one will enter the birth room wearing such and such perfume' - if i were planning a birth without an epidural I might give consideration to things I'll surely be in far too much pain to care about or remember. Right?

-I have no birth plan. My birth plan is to give birth in whatever way is most comfortable for me and healthiest for the baby. I have no objections but trust my doctor and hospital group to help me make decisions as I go.
-I DO plan for an epidural. After watching epidural births over natural ones I realized (to me at least) to ask for a natural birth is like asking for a root canal without Novocaine. I plan on giving birth as God intended- with a team of professionals on call and my body numb from the waist down.
-Our name is not ground-breaking new or original- it is not a family name- it's just a name we liked.
-Our baby will have two last names as he is taking my last name as a second middle one to continue Spanish tradition. I know we'll be getting flack for this as it's unheard of where we live right now.

A final confession.
I love my baby. I refuse to be seen as a bad mom- rather a real mom with real pain levels and expectations of being helped along by whatever technology and pain relief is out there. I feel overwhelmed with mommy perfectionism as it starts in the womb. I'm informed of all the options out there- but for me- a natural birth or pregnancy even is just a no-go. So- I'm letting go of the guilt of not being perfect now while I have the chance. I will not be a perfect mother. There is no such person. But the least I can do is to take that pressure off myself now, to allow myself to make mistakes and to fail. And thank god most of those mistakes will happen before our son is even old enough to remember them. And none shall be the wiser. Post-baby I hope to be able to raise a glass (of whatever drink I so choose) to the mothers out there courageous enough to stop being perfect. To the moms who hated pregnancy. To the moms who had gender disappointment for months. To the moms who had prenatal depression and everyone told them they were crazy. To the real women who love their children in spite of all this and aren't afraid to let a few flaws show as our lives transition into the beautiful stage of caring for another human more than caring about ourselves. I applaud you.

Prenatal Depression

Recently, I've found out I have this. Lovely. I've always suffered with depression off and on throughout my life, contributing much of it to the way I was raised and the crap I've been through. Only recently (the past few years) have I realized it's a physical thing for me. Mentally, I just need to be balanced to be really happy.  I'm really thankful my doctors are aware I have depression as now that I'm pregnant it has suddenly become much more severe. You can read more about prenatal depression here

Until the past few years, doctors really haven't delved that much into depression during pregnancy. But let me tell you, it's real and quite terrible to those suffering from it. So many moms will tell you it'll pass, that you can only have it after the baby, that baby blues can't start as early as the 1st or 2nd tri- I've quickly found out no pregnancy really sticks to boundaries like this. Every pregnancy is about as different as the baby and the mother combined are different from another baby and mother. I have read a few studies showing prenatal depression to be slightly more prevalent in moms of boys, possibly due to the extra testosterone in the mom's system. All I know is that hormone makes me feel like crap and gives me hot flashes- not to mention added stray hairs on my chin. Oh the glamour of it all.

With all that has gone on with my family in the past month or two, I've been very down but only recently started to develop symptoms of something more. More panic attacks, more sleeplessness, more sleeping IN. Less hunger- MORE hunger- it was just off the chart. It was clear to me my body was going haywire and my usual dose of Celexa was not helping. There was a dark cloud of depression that set in weeks ago and hasn't left yet. It really is exhausting.

I'm glad I was able to bring this up to my doctor at my last visit and get some help. I'm really thankful to be redoing dosage and even counseling NOW- so if and when the actual post-partum hits I'll be prepared and not have to wait 4-6 weeks for the new dose to start working.

The truth is, some new moms just aren't glowing for a reason. Pregnancy is less than glow-y for me. I feel bad for wishing it were over but then I realize- it's been 7 months of puking, cramping, faintness, exhaustion and utter nastiness. It's about time. Hear that baby? Your eviction notice is in the mail. I'm really looking forward to getting the old 'me' back and hopefully having this cloud of hormones and depression lift soon! To actually want to do something with my day other than crawl under the covers and fall asleep in a pile of candy wrappers.

Mommy Materialism

I thought I was over being exposed to the ridiculous wedding gift-grabbing culture after I tied the knot over a year ago. Surprise surprise though when I realized being pregnant was just another right of passage in  the American pursuit of living the dream- pursuit of wealth and happiness.

One has only to briefly look at Pinterest to know women are constantly trying to one-up other women by the social standing as spoken of by their lavish weddings and baby showers. Ultrasound parties. Week-long wedding tributes when no one really gives a crap about you after hearing of your upcoming nuptials for years previously. Prolonged engagements are leading to people getting married later and later in life. Obviously this lifestyle doesn't cater to a woman's biological clock as more and more late-blooming brides are finding out having a baby after age 30 is not all roses and daisies. Now IVF parties are an item. Older brides throwing shameful parties in light of other people dishing out the thousands of dollars it will take for them to get artificially inseminated. Horrors, right? I've seen and heard of so many moms and brides to be doing the outlandish to get funds for their honeymoon to Mexico, IVF, and the like. With all this planning though, very few people realize they are in for a huge letdown after the excitement ends. After the wedding is over and the marriage crumbles because too much time was spent planning the big day and not enough on the relationship. After the baby is born and you realize- no one gives a flying crap what little so-and-so ate today. The stress of all-night feedings and baby blues is enough to take the shine out of any mom's eye. Even the ones who spent months and even years planning the excitement that is supposed to surround a birth.

I feel our culture is hugely materialistic. This generation of parents has an extreme sense of entitlement that our parent's generation did not have- was not able to afford. This generation has many couples and parents striving for the biggest and the best. The one-upping and looking down on others with less than they have.

Now moms ask for 'push presents' presents (often expensive ones like diamonds and the like) simply for giving birth. A kind gesture- but one to be demanded of an already frazzled husband with incoming hospital bills? I don't get it.

Maybe I'm unique. Maybe I just don't give a crap about pomp and circumstance. I went along with what people wanted- what they expected us to do- with our engagement and wedding. The result? A highly disappointing big day and an absolute nightmare of a bridal shower. Now that I'm expecting I'm not going to repeat my mistakes. I'd rather do what I want to do- take the time I need to adjust to the experience of having a newborn in the house. Not to do a sip-and-see- which I feel is horrifying- where people come over to sip wine and pass around a newborn as if it were a cheap package of meat. To have a shower with people I hardly know providing much awkwardness for me and little actual presents that are practical.

To enjoy the simple thing. Like my blog title here, simply ME, things. Stuff is nice- sure. But I've learned it's not nearly as nice as taking the time to really enjoy big changes in life- to really experience them without added fuss and stress. I wish more people would truly celebrate new life this way. It'd make for a whole less headache and a whole more genuine joy from those who really matter. But then again- that's just my 2 cents. :)