Happy Spring!

I don't know about you but I am thoroughly enjoying this warmer weather! :D Have a safe St. Paddy's day and a Happy Easter wherever you call home! <3

Mom-shaming from the other side. A perspective.

Not going to lie. I get labelled as a mom who usually mom-shames.

If you've never heard of mom-shaming, thank your lucky stars you don't have children. It's the kind of low-down, side comments moms make to other moms regarding parenting decisions. Complete strangers who are mothers have come up to me to offer unsolicited advice from the moment I was visibly pregnant and will (undoubtedly) continue to do so for as long as I am a mother, I am sure.

Anyway, typically when one hears of 'mommy shaming' they think of all the people who live a lifestyle like me- the stay at home, all-natural, Martha Stewart type. And granted, there are many of moms like me who do try to shame other moms who choose a life that's different.

I don't go out of my way to tell ANYONE how they should run their own affairs. I do have strong beliefs, but aside from this blog, you'll never hear me bring them up in any mom's group or with any other friend of mine. It's divisive, I get it. So I shut up.

However- I will speak up that the reverse of this 'mommy shaming' is STILL shaming. It's not okay.

I recently saw a photo of a perfectly cute lunch box someone posted on Pinterest, those bento boxes that some moms (or dads!) make for their kids. If you've never seen a bento box, I'm including a picture of one below. They're really adorable and a great way to make meals fun for finicky eaters.

Cute, am I right?? 

Well, I saw a picture someone posted of a bento box with the caption "To perfect moms- please cut this shit out, love - all normal moms" 

(?!) 

Am I missing something? 

To me, this is insulting and insinuating moms who actually LIKE to do these kinds of things for their children are trying to shame other moms. True, some might. BUT- it's a freaking lunch box and just harmless fun for the child opening it. 

To say it's a clear sign of mommy-shaming is assuming the mom was TRYING to shame you to begin with for packing a simple sandwich. Please. Can we cut this out? 

How is shaming moms who actually enjoy doing these things for their kids, actually NOT mom-shaming. It is, pure and simple. 

I take joy in cooking and cleaning and taking good care of my family. Not because I am a 50's housewife. In fact, feminism gave me a choice to stay home or go to work and I simply chose to stay home. That is simply what I believe is best for me and my family. 

Sharing photos and snarky comments like this simply isn't helping mom-shaming. It's making it worse. 

Do what normal people do and make an anonymous blog to write your secret bitch-fests out ;) and no one shall be the wiser. 

The picture of clearly not-me

I've used various pictures of Princess Di over the years I've been writing as my profile picture. I thought I'd explain why.

I've always been semi-obsessed with the royal family and even as a little girl I loved Princess Diana. Again, as a grown woman with my own son- looking back over her life, I feel a strange sense of connection to her.

Her pain, her love and joy in her boys, how everyone wanted her to stay proper and quiet even when she was in so much pain.

I get it. In different ways, but I do understand what that's like.

Cherished by friends and strangers, yet unknown to so many of us until after her death. Her legacy lives on and is a constant reminder to me of what it means to give voices to others and yet keep so silent about her own issues. The bird that cannot sing.

The Worth of a Child

Going off another post I recently did on my main blog- I have been dealing with something lately that greatly disturbs me as a parent. I used to be a nanny for a long time before I had my son and got my degree. I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM. Even before I had children, I couldn't imagine anyone else caring for my kid on a regular basis.

In tight times, I've opened my home to being a nanny once again. No, it's not ideal for me to have my attention split in two but I am/was hoping to take in just one child whose parents wanted quality, home care and that 2:1 ratio I could offer. I discovered something that blew my mind.

Nannying in my area is typically $10/hr. For a full work week, well- you do the math. I was shocked to find many parents looking for a deal and wanting to cut corners- actual ILLEGAL ways they were doing this left me open-mouthed. I had parents wanting me to be a nanny to their child for less than $2.50 an hour. I'm not joking.

I don't like doing things under the table due to my fear of doing illegal things in general (it is, I checked with the IRS). So- in my search to find how I could do this above table and we could both put it on our taxes- I found it is illegal in the United States to hire help of ANY kind full time (more than 8 hours a week) and pay them less than minimum wage per hour. In fact, parents doing this kind of thing under the table are not only breaking the law, but risk being sued or caught by the government and forced to pay massive fines.

For less than $2 an hour we're talking grossly under qualified caregivers (mostly, not ALL)- or excessive child to caregiver ratios. People doing this are in it for the cause of saving money. But at the expense of their own child. I'm as broke as they come but I would never, ever imagine breaking the law to find a nanny to pay less than minimum wage to. If I want that 1:1 or 2:1 ratio, I'm going to expect to pay for it rather than go with the cheapest person and hope to God they don't sue me- OR I don't sue them for child neglect should anything happen while I am away.

I have cried multiple times in the past few weeks. I set my rate at 5/hr which is under minimum wage but I *hoped* would still attract more reputable families who want nanny care. I've cried because these parents say 'no way' even to my prices which are less than reputable daycare centers. I've cried because I know without a doubt these parents, some I consider friends, would choose to put a value on their child's safety and well being at $25 a day or less.

Before I sound pretentious, I must remind you that ALL these parents are dual income families. ALL have two cars, fancy collections at home their kids aren't allowed to touch, fun family vacations. Benefits. The works. They are not single parents, they are not in want of anything but comforts.

It just breaks my heart that these parents would prefer situations where the caregiver HAS to take in more kids than is safe to make up for the terrible wages. They could be the best person in the planet but if they have to watch 5 kids at a time, there's no way that will end well.

Times like these, I'm reminded why I do what I do. We've made sacrifices for a reason. Because my son needs ME, not someone else. Not someone with 3 other kids to watch. I could never put a price tag on his care. Deals are something you search for in the produce aisle at the market- not in the care and well being of your precious children.

All that matters? Really?

Ok, shit's about to get real. This gets my dander up because it's an issue that really divides moms. Breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. Recently, the medical world has taken a sharp turn towards the former, promoting breastfeeding (sometimes unhelpfully) to new and prospective moms to the point that if they are simply unable to physically produce, they feel (and are often TOLD) they aren't doing something right.

While some problems can be straightened out with helpful lactation advice, other issues are far more than reason for mothers to choose a different way to feed their child. I breastfed (well- pumped) exclusively for little guy's first 5 months of life. I battled issue after issue and in the end totalled up 5 hours a DAY when I was hooked up to a machine instead of actually focusing on being a MOM. In the end, it wasn't worth it. My supply was constantly infected because of other health issues I was battling and I wasn't about to get better and exclusively breastfeed at the same time.

I know other moms whose stories are different. Some feel awkward about it, or maybe they have a past of sexual abuse. It's perfectly reasonable for them to avoid the issue of breastfeeding entirely- their body is their own, for some it can be triggering. Some just don't want to. That's okay too. In my opinion, it really doesn't matter as much as some think. Formula is not the devil. Exclusive breastfeeding moms aren't to be looked down upon.

My 'REALLY?!' moment comes up whenever I see gratuitous photos of women breastfeeding their children on my newsfeed. A lot of the admirers and supporters comment compliments- claiming the only thing that matters is 'the child is fed with love'. My ass! These same people would never comment on a bottle-feeding picture with the same love and fervor. What about the moms who CAN'T?! Seriously. If love is all that matters, why isn't it equal? Why isn't formula feeding just as 'brave'? If love is all that matters you wouldn't be showing favoritism and outrage when Facebook bans a showy breastfeeding photo and not commenting or liking another photo of a baby being fed with love (and formula).

Let's get real. Love isn't ALL that matters, is it?

The two people you're sure to meet as a SAHM

Over and over again, I keep running into these characters. Of course there are the other types of people you meet when you say you're a stay at home parent, the older generation who thinks you have it easier than they did or because they did 'it all', mom/dad, the lot. But more frequently, you meet two different people- usually parents.

1- the person who always says (over and over again): "I have so much respect for stay at home moms, I could never do it". Then they usually go on to say how maternity leave was a nightmare and they couldn't wait to get back to work. Or how much they hate being 'cooped up' with their own kids. Sad, really. I mean, here we are- both of us as parents. Different lifestyles- but it always confuses me to hear parents who admit they can't stand being in their child's company and no one else's. I hope their kid never hears them say that, how damaging to self-esteem! To hear your own mother/father doesn't like just hanging out with you. Sad times.

2- I can't possibly afford it. You're so lucky. Lucky? Ok. If you call downsizing 'lucky' I guess we're lucky. We can't afford it, plain and simple- but when there's a will there's a way. We simple make it work for our family, that's all. Often, these parents I find make these comments and other comments on the sly shading stay at home parents- it's pretty clear they want to stay home but are deciding against it. After all, you can live without two cars, cable, fancy phones and new clothes all the time. I find these parents to be in the 'unhappy with life' group and stay at homes are a butt end of some weird running joke they have amongst themselves.

I swear I can't go a week without meeting at least one type of parent I just described. What annoys me isn't that these parents complain that life is hard. It IS hard, no doubt about it. But that they choose to complain about things that happen to them when in reality it's their own decision to live life they way that they do.

I know my own choices in life are predominantly why we're so broke at the moment. We decided it was important for me to stay home, we can't afford it- but I work from home so we can keep food on the table. We decided to get married young and to have a baby young. That comes with its own financial challenges to be sure. Life's hard, I get it. But in reality- choices matter. You can choose to be one of the above people, or you can choose a different path in life. Personally, if I were hating my decisions I would re-evaluate them!

Time (or lack thereof!)

One thing I've noticed about being a stay at home mom is this: everyone and their mother will want you to do things for them. There is some wild assumption that stay at home parents have TIME, not only to keep a perfect house and sit back and watch tv- but also time  to follow up on other things. Things they themselves are too busy to do because they 'work'- well, we BOTH work- let's not fib.

It's annoying. Working friends who are moms make the assumption they can have me whip up things for them/their kids. Good grief no. I mean- if I get around to it- sure. I'm not a witch. But seriously? I barely have time to make sure my kid stays alive much less tend to the Pinterest-needs of your little spawnling.

I'm not being uppity- working parents work. Stay at home parents work. I'm neither. I'm a work at home parent, meaning I work nights, weekends and nap times just to AFFORD to stay at home with my littles. There's a huge misconception that stay at homes (used to be a bad term there..... interesting history on the word) do nothing.

I have to say though, being a mom who takes care of her son full time- I feel I have a different viewpoint on his childhood than other moms I know. Time. There is SO little of it- and yet so much. Watching my son full time opens my eyes to the fact that other things are far more permanent than his childhood.

And so the projects and the housework and the cooking get pushed aside. There will be time ahead where I can get ahead.... but now.... now is the time to hug and kiss little boy faces while they're still little. To send them to bed knowing they will never again be so small. Not saying working parents don't do this as well- but really...... please stop asking me to do things for you/your family if you don't have the time to do them yourself. It's not up to me to 'mom' your child while you are being 'mom at work'. I'm sorry if my projects and hugs and homemade things go straight to my son over anyone else. That's just how it is right now. You can't outsource that kind of stuff.